Judith's Wander

2010-10-13T16:11:00.000+08:00

Somehow, listening to the same thing at a different time, it sounds so different.

2010-10-12T16:08:00.001+08:00

In rest and in repentence is your salvation; in quietness and in trust is your strength. - Isaiah 30:15

2010-10-12T14:51:00.000+08:00

In rest and in repentence is your salvation; in quietness and in trust is your strength. - Isaiah 30:15

2010-10-11T16:06:00.001+08:00

I kind of need hope. But Lord, help me. Remind me not to be overboard. You come first. You must come first. Or I will die.You are my anchor. Pls bless me, Lord, but first please keep me.

2010-10-07T14:41:00.000+08:00

I discovered I'm only willing to give, or give in to people who are staying.

2010-10-06T14:40:00.000+08:00

Pls talk to me, pls talk to me, I cannot take it anymore. Pls do something. Pls do something now. Please. Please help me.

2010-10-04T14:08:00.002+08:00

Psalm 30:5For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I heard rubbing your eyes causes dark eye rings... alamak! no wonder I always look like panda...

Different types of death.

Would you be willing to suffer, so that in the end more people could benefit? I am so unwilling. But God already showed He was willing.

Why got so vast difference one. 差别待遇lor. Ya, but it's for my own good, I know. But I DON'T ENJOY IT LAH. That's the truth.

2010-09-29T16:25:00.002+08:00

The older I grow, the more I realise how weak I am, how easily I fall and how much I need God.

Father, I'm sorry I did not trust Your love. When you are the one who would protect me, protect my interest, make sure nothing goes wrong. Father, I'm sorry.

I learnt... I can also do all those wrong things. I can also be wilful, and reckless, 放纵 to an extent that I never expected myself to do before. How weak I can be.

The bend in the road. I wonder how many bends there are!

Learnt a new word: frienemies. And about forgiveness.

2010-09-28T16:18:00.002+08:00

God is making sure I take His words very seriously. Just like the way I discipline children. The warning is given, if the instructions are still now followed, the consequences are allowed to come into play. With cause and effect very obvious. Wah, scary man. 我不敢不听话.

Waiting for a resurrection of sorts. Not a redo of the same old, but a fresh, different new. Not of other people, just of me. Not just pressing the restart button, but reformating the hard drive. I need hope.

pick yourself up and dust yourself off, back in the saddle .... when you fall get up

Lord, I cannot take it anymore. 主，我的心好痛。我不明白。I also cannot see. Please look at me. Lord, how come Your work is always like that one?

2010-09-22T16:42:00.002+08:00

So many people are saying what I could not bring myself to say. Hit a wall, ya, stone wall. But I didn't build that wall, though I should have spotted it earlier.

The rubber meets the road. Ya, correct.

2010-09-21T16:29:00.001+08:00

I think that was the point in time I realised, there is no more I can compromise unless I am willing to do things that are not true to myself, which I am not.

God said forgive. He said pity, and forgive.

2010-09-17T16:28:00.000+08:00

My wave really crashed until crashed man. I take it that means at least the initial stage of transition is over. I don't expect support or something lah, I am realistic.

2010-09-16T16:23:00.000+08:00

I need to be actively sharing/teaching God's truths again. It's actually something so spiritually healthy to do.

2010-09-15T16:17:00.001+08:00

I am such a pessimist that even I myself find my pessimism amusing!

2010-09-03T15:56:00.003+08:00

Why do I sometimes find it easier to pray for things I don't want to do rather than things I want to do. Because I feel bad lah. There are people dying of hunger, people who've never heard the gospel, and I'm here praying about ..... grrrr...

I feel like I'm in that 1.4m pool again, up to my chin in water. But this time, I don't see anyone around.

I haven't changed. I'm still that little girl, sitting at the window, staring at that beacon of light every night. 主啊，我好心痛。我好像笨蛋。I always sit down and wait for things to happen to me. But things happened when I stop sitting around. I don't feel like sitting around anymore. I'm sick, sick and tired of sitting around waiting. I don't want to wait anymore. I feel like jumping up and doing something drastic, I really do.

Last time I couldn't do anything drastic. Now I can. Do I want to do it? The only thing is, I'm afraid I will spoil something if I do something drastic. But who says if I do nothing, good things will happen? Maybe if I do nothing, nothing will happen! I could sit around and call myself names for ages. It wouldn't solve anything.

But seriously, for now I really think I should wait out. Today is not a repetition of anything. Yet. It was just that before there were a lot. But now might be different. The irritating thing is that I don't know. I can't know. At least not until it happens. Will it be different? Or will it be the same old thing all over again? But I do know, for now I should not take action. Next week is a different matter. Even tomorrow is a different matter. But today no. I feel so, so stupid, I can't imagine it.

I want to say it, but I don't want to have to say it, you see. It makes things very no point if you actually have to say it. This is so absolutely dumb. How come it happened to me?

I feel stupid worrying about the same thing every week. It's stupid lah.

2010-09-02T15:52:00.000+08:00

I hate waiting. I HATE waiting. I absolutely hate and hate waiting. Because I absolutely cannot stop waiting.

Now I know why I didn't do certain teenagerish things when I was a teenager already.

I feel like a teenager. I am behaving like a teenager.

2010-08-31T15:42:00.001+08:00

Being responsible for what you hear, and teaching others to be responsible for what they say.

Oh and about clarifying meanings. "So that means.... correct? Sure, have a good day." Cool. Sounds my style. Must try this out.

I'm learning how not to kill myself. It's interesting!

I am reduced to look for and celebrating little, little signs... but this didn't only happen for this situation lah, it worked in almost every area in
life. Perspective, perspective!

I learnt that: a person who apparently has no "experience" can have a past too.

Girls are nuts...

2010-08-30T12:40:00.000+08:00

I'm like other people, but I cannot tell them that. So unfair...

2010-08-27T12:36:00.000+08:00

The watched pot never boils. I'm like someone who's waiting to strike lottery like that.

It's not just the big boulders that stop us getting to our dreams. It can also be the small sand and pebbles that irritate and trip us up.

Remember to wash them all away and don't let them get to you, it's only sand and pebbles! Don't let sand and pebbles kill you!

2010-08-26T12:29:00.002+08:00

你的爱就像星辰，偶而很亮，偶而很暗。我不盼绚丽的灿烂，只求尾光能挡风寒。

Now I know how people kill each other. But that doesn't help, because I seem to be doing it too.

而漂泊的你，狂浪的心停在哪里？

I feel like Susan Baker "It may be broadening to the mind, but it's extremely painful to the feelings..."

Those people, I don't want them to look for me, they keep looking for me. Those people, I want them to look for me, never look for me. Sigh...
sad man.

Learnt behaviour. I just hope not learnt helplessness.

2010-08-25T12:27:00.001+08:00

Fools rush in ... where angels fear to tread. Am I a fool? More or less, I guess.

2010-08-23T12:21:00.001+08:00

God is doing the story of Abraham with me, again. This time a later part of the story. The Isaac part. I seem to have done my Ishmael.
Already.

The process that led to the glorious Resurrection begun with the words, "Yet not my will, but yours be done."

Me and my big mouth.

I must stop trying to kill myself.

2010-08-17T12:17:00.001+08:00

I shall begin to learn to do what the 14 year old girl is currently doing naturally.

2010-08-16T12:12:00.000+08:00

If only I had read those things earlier, if only I've learnt earlier, if only... if only! I never thought I'd suddenly have so many "if onlys"...

Sometimes I wish I could go back to younger times when life seemed "simpler", but that's not true, I was just as stressed, I just worried about different things during those things. I find things to worry about at every stage of my life.

I shall give up my 曾经拥有for the sake of my 天长地久.

2010-08-11T12:08:00.000+08:00

I'm a little ...wowed.

I've learnt some meanings of the word enticements... scary...

2010-08-04T12:03:00.000+08:00

In life you cannot be melodramatic for very long, which is good, because it would be too tiring.

I am so stupid. And why do I continue to be stupid, knowing it's stupid.

Obviously I have asked not to be spared of many troubles, now what have I to say?

2010-08-03T12:00:00.001+08:00

Boring and interesting are relative.

2010-07-29T16:17:00.000+08:00

Dreaming is more fun than eating. Eating is more fun than working. Working is more fun than... suffering?

Seeing a miracle for yourself breaks your mindset that miracles are not possible. It frees you to start believing for things that you never dared before. That, itself, is exhilarating, I admit.

I feel God telling me to ask for a new dream. Somehow I can see the new dream is not so different from the old dream, only there is a new part of it that seems ... so impossible, yet is possibly so exciting, exhilarating, amazing... I hardly dare to ask it, yet I have. Hardly dare to even try to believe, yet in my heart of hearts, I confess... I am hoping. And waiting.

My recent dreams are 意思浅浅. Scary...

"What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what kind of person you are. " -- C. S. Lewis in Voyage of the Dawn Treader (Narnia Chronicles)

2010-07-19T16:12:00.000+08:00

Learning to groove again...

I keep getting splinters from disposable chopsticks...

2010-07-09T16:07:00.002+08:00

Who'd imagine worrying can be a physically healthy thing to do?

Growing up makes me learn what Jesus meant when He said, "forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing". He is so, so right.

Learning the meaning of the word "different". It's amazing exactly how "different" different can be.

2010-07-09T16:07:00.000+08:00

Who'd imagine worrying can be a physically healthy thing to do?

2010-07-01T16:03:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired, but I just can't quite give up. 我真的不是故意的.

All the unimportant things went well :)

It's as though everyone is so nice and trying to help me, but no one succeeded. It's so amusing and ironic, dunno whether to laugh or cry...

Sometimes life is ... funny ... "人生是没有定律的一种节奏“

2010-06-30T15:22:00.000+08:00

The normal smart thing to do is to give up. But the Lord never said always to do the normal smart thing. And the thing He said to do... Sigh

Why is giving up so hard? haiz... perhaps because I'm not convinced that I should give up. And the surprising thing is the person who seemed to have made it harder for me to give up is the Lord! Sigh... double sigh...

2010-06-29T12:18:00.001+08:00

I realise not everyone has a conscience just because they call themselves Christians. At least, it doesn't seem to be the same type of
conscience.

I'm the fool here. Why am I so stupid? Because I'm vulnerable, that's a fact. To look at the circumstances, I'm a complete fool lah. Only... Somebody said...

Sometimes I think, if I could be 14 again, would I do some things differently. Well, there are things I'm sure I won't want to do differently, but
also things I definitely will. My new motto should be, don't live to regret it. But people usually realise this only too late... just like me.

I shall work hard so as not to kill myself, but whether I succeed will depend. Whether I need to do it in the first place... I shall not think about
that... that will counter my efforts.

How come I think only already got so much "scolding", people look so 乖guai1 do so much nonsense like nothing like that... really feel like
saying "unfair"...

Well, there's only two possible outcomes, neither of which will be improved by my trying to “插一脚” (in hokkien)

Somebody is hoping I'll clear the mess they made, by doing and saying nothing. Well, too bad, I won't. They can jolly well clear it themselves.
I'll be waiting.

I tried to give the benefit of the doubt that it was work. Well, it wasn't. At least not the majority of it.

This is too tiring. Forget it. Imagine doing this for life!

2010-06-28T22:23:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been very tired, but cannot sleep?

2010-06-27T22:16:00.001+08:00

Both my laptop and my phone are part of a growing group in S'pore - the aging population. Both passed shelf life already...

I met someone who managed to challenge all the little assumptions I never knew I had. I'm amazed! It's very interesting from the meta-cognitive
point of view. "yar manz!"

The increasing pile of "Living Life" devotionals stacked on my bedside remind me how fast the months are passing...

2010-06-26T22:08:00.003+08:00

To the kids, I know everything. I wish I was as knowledgeable about my own life as I seem to be about theirs.

But just like I can't quite explain to kids how I know so many things, the "Adult" in my life just keeps saying, "Trust Me".

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." HOPE and a FUTURE.
Hope and a future. Hope and a future. Hope and a future.

In a movie, everything goes so quickly: the happiness, the sadness, the terror, the relief, and everything in between. In real life, you don't get to speed up like that. You go through everything slowly: the joys, yes, but also the anxieties, the unknown, the disappointments... and you just wait. You just have to wait.

"You love those who hate you, and hate those who love you."

I'm considering the extent to which I should be evil... because sometimes it can be embarrassing to be caught being evil.

I wish I could be like those teenagers, so free, can have a live conversation via fb comments, 15 comments in 12 mins.

2010-06-25T21:57:00.002+08:00

I confess that I'm waiting.

If you want to think about something, you don't need any reminders.

What's the first thing you do when you get home?

2010-06-24T21:40:00.000+08:00

It seems I usually get whatever I asked for myself. Can't think of any significant exceptions... is that scary?

I kind of asked for it, and got it. I shouldn't complain, seriously. Should I have asked for more? But then would more be good for me? I wouldn't
know.

2010-06-16T21:28:00.001+08:00

I'm stunned by the depth and detailness of the analogies of His love that God created in nature and in mankind.

I'm beginning to hate this thing called SMS. It might be a worse invention than the snooze button. And I had always thought sms was a great invention...

2010-06-15T21:24:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I'm doing this. Can't believe myself. Lord, did You ever kind of "can't believe" that You're doing such things as You did for such people like me? I wonder...

I'm turning into a monster, I believe.

2010-06-14T21:11:00.001+08:00

Ya, it's nicer to just be me. I shall be me. Regardless of what people think, whether it looks stupid, whether it IS stupid. As long as it isn't unethical, immoral, unbiblical. Even if it's illogical, insensible, abnormal. I shall be me. It's easier that way.

2010-06-12T21:05:00.001+08:00

Normalising takes place. Returning to the norm, or perhaps, finding a norm. Who knows? Is that normal? Ha.

2010-06-11T22:38:00.000+08:00

I seem to have made a decision. Abeit I can't figure when the decision point was. My brain seems to have noted and understood the decision, and acted accordingly.

Human beings are greedy. I am greedy. I am a human being.

God's not in a hurry.... but I am! God's not in a hurry... God's not in a hurry... so I mustn't be in a hurry... God's not in a hurry ... so I'm not in a hurry... like real.

2010-06-08T22:36:00.000+08:00

My patience (or rather lack thereof) is ultimate.

2010-06-07T22:29:00.000+08:00

I'm nuts.

I just discovered I've developed Monday Blue Syndrome type II. Can you believe it? This is crazy.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.

I feel so tempted to turn to the last page of the story and find out the ending first. But in real life, you're not allowed to do that.

2010-06-06T22:16:00.000+08:00

For the first time in my life, I am actually waiting for the holidays to end. Life is full of surprises!
The number of things I guessed wrongly about myself is increasing... both for better and for worse.

No more cholate for the next 2 weeks

Making dumplings next week!

What if everyone told you something was stressful, and you still wanted it? And you kind of got it, and it really was very stressful, and you still wanted it? Such is life...
human beings are weird.

Snippets of the Journey

2007-06-11T06:45:00.001+08:00

Some bits from my journal for these couple months...

One thing He did was remind me of all the many things that He had told me this couple of years. He did tell me many things at different times, but I never asked deeper. Instead I ran away from those things that He told me, because I was afraid of the answer. So I left all the pieces there like broken pieces of a puzzle.

I'm just going to type out some parts from my journal because the whole process is too long to write.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Romans 5:12, 15 - 19

One man's sin caused all humanity to be condemned. One Man's righteousness made it possible for all humanity to be saved. God went back to the original decision point to redeem the wrong decision, putting in place a right decision.
He didn't erase all human history to start over again. He allowed the old breed to continue, while starting a new breed.
Difference between temptation of Adam and Eve and temptation of Jesus
- to have a sword: weapon - God's word
- to hear from God for yourself
- (same as sermon this week! But God told me this before that, so it's a kind of confirmationJ)
Go back to the original wrong decision point:

When a person is not walking on the right road on his journey, the way to correct the error is not to start from the place where he is (which is a wrong place anyway) and try to figure out how to go on from there. Neither is it to backtrack a little and see where the little mistakes are and try to correct them. The only way is to go back to that original place where the wrong turning was made, and go on from there.
Or if I am doing a problem sum and have gone wrong, it would not help if I insist on going ahead and going on with calculating. No matter how careful I am, I will never get the answer. Or if I just go through the last two steps to try to spot a mistake, the only way is to go all the way back to find out where the first calculation mistake was made, then things can be corrected from there.
I have been trying to insist on going on despite the mistake, sometimes backtracking a little and trying to correct things a bit here and there.
My wrong decision point was neglecting to constantly ask God for close directions, being distracted by many things and not wanting to put in the effort to ask, perhaps not wanting to know, so I wouldn't have to do, choosing instead to rely on past tried methods and nature's course.
I need to start a new correct decision point. I need to seriously seek God for close directions with regards to ministry, work, family, everything, and constantly ask for new directions, not to let circumstances direct the course, but God direct the course.
I tend to have a "project mentality", seeking God's direction for something new in my life, but letting things run their own course once it stabilises. I need to learn to seek God's guidance throughout the whole process.

I asked God how to make sure my restart is a "Jesus restart" and not a "Noah" or "Abraham" one. I think the difference is that Jesus died.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I always knew my chief issue is security. And it does add up.

I think one of my first realisations when I started working was that I couldn't cope with the time commitment. With that came a very deep fear: this was the least of my "trials" - busyness. If I couldn't even cope with that, how can I ever climb the higher mountains of many, many things which I know will be even more difficult for me? As time passed and I did not overcome my time issue, I began to doubt that I would ever be able to handle the bigger issues. How can I? How dare I ask if I cannot overcome this smallest one in front of my face?

About this time I stopped being able to ask God to do His will -- anything He wants -- in my life. I would find myself starting to ask, and then stopping in the middle, when the thought came that do I really want to ask God for that? Am I sure I want those great things, along which would surely come the big difficulties, which would surely be so hard to overcome? I was not even able to conquet the hill. That thought haunted me.

I stopped being able to ask God for much at all. I was not sure I was willing. If you are not willing, how dare you ask? Anyway I wasn't willing and I didn't want to ask. Soon, I stopped asking God for directions. I wasn't willing to do whatever He said. I didn't want to ask, because I didn't want to do it.

Busyness was an excuse and escape from these important things that I need to but didn't want to think about. I am not willing to serve God! This was a horrible thought I do not dare to think about. So I stopped thinking about it at all.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The Lesson Learnt Before the Breakthrough
Genesis 12, 15, 17

When God first called Abraham he was 75. He believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness. When God spoke to him again years later he questioned the promise. How can he become a great nation when he doesn't even have a single child?

Abraham was 86 when he tried to fulfill God's promise in his own way and had Ishmael. When God spoke to him again at 99, he was only able to habour hope for Ishmael -- and no more. "If only Ishmael might live under your blessing!" Yet that very same day, he obeyed God's command of circumcision.

I, too, believed, and as time passed began to question the possibility of God's promise being fulfilled when not even the first step of breakthrough happened. At last, I was only able to ask God to bless the small, obvious things in my life. Now the step remained to obey God's command whatever it is.

------------------------------------------------------------------

So you see, the problem was not time at all, but my old enemy, fear. That is a good thing, because I have seen God defeat this enemy so many times, so that it is easier for me to laugh out loud at it and tell it to get lost. Ha ha ha.

The time issue was truly not my fault (mostly). My fault was the unwillingness. I didn't know where it came from. It scared me, so much so that I was unwilling to try to find out where it came from. I have been badly deceived. That itself is also a scary, scary thought. All these may look obvious to you, but I truly never imagined it until the Lord showed me. But I really do not want to be deceived anymore.

Blessed

2007-06-11T05:43:00.000+08:00

Wrote down this story for a friend, so tot post it here too... for more utility value :)

------------------------------

To a dear sister:

I would like to share a little story with you. There was once I had a superior at my workplace who didn’t like me. She would scold me very severely for every single minor mistake I made. One time she called me into her office, and called me names, said how terrible I was and predicted the failure of my whole career on the spot. Only after abusing me for half an hour did she finally brought out the “accusations” of my crimes. In the end these were trivia things, most of which were not true, a few of which were things I was not aware of. But what mattered to her was calling me names, not finding out the truth, so she achieved her purpose.

Immediately after the incident, I was in shock. I asked myself if I was really that bad. It took me a while to realize that I had been verbally abused. I felt as though all those names and abuses were a rain of curses that fell on me. I felt so cursed. I had nightmares about this person for the whole time I was under her thumb, and for months afterwards. I would dream or imagine that she’s somewhere scrutinizing me in judgment, trying to squeeze out some mistake somewhere, so that she can rain more curses on me. I was like living in the shadow of the curses that she had heaped on me.

One day I heard the words of a familiar song “I’m blessed beyond the curse, for His promise will endure.” And suddenly I realized, yes, I’m blessed beyond any curses that people can curse me with, because I’m blessed by God Himself! I’m blessed because Jesus died for me to take away those curses. I cannot be cursed! And any curses and abuses thrown at me will surely not reach me because I’m under God’s shield, and there are no loopholes in His shield. I’m living under His blessing, not under people’s curses.

That didn’t mean I was completely healed that minute. It took me a long time to learn in my heart that I’m indeed blessed by God so that curses cannot come in, and to learn to reject the curses. But I held on these words “blessed beyond the curse”.

I don’t know if this story will mean anything to you, but just want to bless you with the words of this song that spoke so much to me.

Trading My Sorrows

I'm trading my sorrows

I'm trading my shame

I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness

I'm trading my pain

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm pressed but not crushed

Persecuted not abandoned

Struck down but not destroyed

I’m blessed beyond the curse

For his promise will endure

That his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night

His joy comes with the morning

Trees

2006-10-28T01:21:00.000+08:00

Today I looked up and saw, for the first time in many months at least, the intertwine topmost branches of a tree, the twigs and leaves against the background of a pale blue sky.

It reminds me of the younger years, when I was twelve and thirteen, when I frequently looked up at the branches of trees on my way to and from school, and thought how like a web the branches look, all intertwined together, just like life, and wondered what the meaning of life was.

It seemed to have been a long time since I noticed how beautiful trees are, a long time from the time God taught me what a wonderful part of His creation they were, and how they lifted up their boughs like arms to praise Him. It was a long time since I named the trees near to my home, just like Anne of Green Gables, though I never talked to them. Those trees were a little like friends.

It’s been a long time since I learnt to walk so deep in thoughts of doings and worries, desires and schedules, that I passed the trees unseeing, busy with my own narrow world. There was a man who saw people walking around like trees, until Jesus healed him. I saw the trees like pillars, nothing much, just there. Today I took a look at the trees, and they looked just as beautiful as before, a wonderful part of the creation of a gentle and loving God.

2006-07-03T20:56:00.000+08:00

When I was young I felt I had a lot of inner journey. Kind of like the roots of a growing plant, and not much of leaves growing out on top, which was supposed to be the outer journey. In fact the inner journey was all I had. My relationship with God was inside, that talking to Him, walking with Him, inside of me. I felt like people would think I was a baby, because I haven't got much leaves, like a baby plant. So I tried to hide myself as much as I could. But I did appreciate that inner journey.

Now I feel there's a lot of outer journey. There's always so much to do, and sometimes people think I could do things, or take care of people, or whatever. They expect me to. But I begin to feel there isn't much of an inner journey, I'm always so busy living out my Christian life, I've got no time to grow "in"! That growing roots deep into the Lord kind. That's why whenever there's a storm, the whole plants gets quite shaky kind, especially the part above the ground. I begin to appreciate that when I was younger and had no one else, God gave me the very best. That intimate inner journey with Him that was the most important, that I didn't appreciate enough before.

I'm not that worried about the above ground parts, leaves and stuff, falling down in a storm. I know a plant can always grow, or regrow, so long as there are roots. I'm more worried that if my upper parts capsize, they'll pull my lower parts along somehow. Or my fallen leaves will trip someone else.

People tell me to begin to love God by loving people. I have no objections to that theory myself, but I know that's not how it works with me. I spend time with God and then I have the passion to want to love people for Him, not the other way around. If I start by loving people, I'll just get stuck there all day and forget all about loving God til I'm all drained and it becomes loving people for the sake of the doing. If I start with loving God He'll always make sure I get there - to the loving people part. The important thing for me is to keep remembering to go back to the loving God part from the loving people part - He does the sending out, and He never forgets.

I want back that inner journey, in a way that's quite apart of the outer journey sometimes. Sometimes linked, but never the same. I want the inner journey to be the real journey that matters in the end, that's the only way I can live. All those outside things, in the end they don't quite make sense to me. Meaningless, meaningless. The inner journey will last. It was that joy that was the reason I wanted all these, that I walked all this way for, the joy of walking with the Lord.

2006-01-28T03:10:00.000+08:00

I love to write! And to read it a few months, years later, wish I have more time to do it.

Some things I esp liked:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own (ability to drive), in all your (steering) acknowledge Him, and He will make (sure you don't hit anything)..."

"That was what Jesus did in Gethesame. He was hurt, and without pause, He went on to consent to die. That's the kind of love that can love after it is hurt. That's the kind of love I have to have if I were to really love them. That's the kind of love He wants to give me. But it must die first. Love that must die first!"

Went to Lanying's place for cell reunion dinner on Wed. Rongfang joined us. Haven't eaten together with all of them for a while, it was really good.

I enjoy eating with them. All the vinegar and garlic sauce stuff, dumplings, peanuts, I actually genuinely like them. Not that I want to eat it all the time.

I'm tired, just write the impt parts:

Last year was one of the worst, since 2001.

God says this year to put Him first. That's the theme for the year, that is, Learn To Put God First.

I asked Him to teach me, He said He did, but I din learn! So I asked Him to make me.

I'm praying hard for a good school and supervisor for practicum (not the old one!) If you see this, pls pray with me.

When you finally meet Jesus, assuming you are actually able to talk, what is the first thing you'd want to say to Him? I thought of two, but both must have one, so I have two. :> Actually I thought of them long ago, just never wrote about it. Sometimes when I'm sad I think about this, it kinda cheers me up.

Spring Festival

2006-01-28T02:19:00.000+08:00

Day before Chinese New Year Eve. The reason why I don't write much is because if I start I can’t stop. But I probably said that before.

Chinese New Year makes me think of my grandma a lot. She used to love Chinese New Year. It’s like she’s the spirit of Chinese New Year in the family.

I know the bad things she did do, the things people told me about her. Not big bad ones, just things like gossip, etc. But those aren’t the things I remember about her.

I remembered the time I went to my friend’s place to do school project. Yanyu’s place. I was only in primary school. She lived in the same block as my grandma. Same level. She asked me to stay for lunch, but I told her I’m going over to my gram’s place for lunch. It wasn’t like my gram had cooked for me already, I just suddenly felt like going over.

She looked in the cupboard, and at last found some instant beehoon somewhere. My gram, that is. She cooked it, and that was the first time I ate instant beehoon. It was the best instant beehoon I ever tasted. Somehow it remained in my mind. It was that old lady who walked slowly to the kitchen to look for and cook that hot savoury soup for her grand daughter. I loved her so.

Every thing I hear those new year songs, especially those really nice ones about the coming of spring, flowers blooming, etc, in like, NTUC, I always think of her. Her lunar birthday is on first day of Chinese New Year. It’s like this really big day for her. She loved green clothes, the kind with flowers on them. When we took pictures, she’d ask if she’s sitting nicely.

I remember the pink kueh she used to make, the kind with glutinous rice in it. She made special kinds for some of us, those without vege for me, just the whole thing full of dough for my youngest uncle. When she got older, my aunt took over the job, but the kuehs were always known as Ah-ma kueh. I didn't eat them for the past many years because they always put them on their altars. Then once she gave my mom a few and said quietly that they were for me, they haven’t been put on any altar.

Then there were the tang yuan, the small pink kind without anything inside. You put brown sugar in the water and get kind of orange sugar soup. And when she ate those peach-shaped pink lotus paste buns, “siew toh”, she dug out the lotus paste. She couldn’t eat it because she had diabetes. She’d give this whole tablespoonful of lotus paste to one of us kids. She was an expert on food.

On Chinese New Year Eve, she’d make one of her sons, usually my third uncle, use this wooden stick to stir a large pan of sticky flour, the kind used to make muah chee. My granddad made the sharks’ fin. He likes sharks’ fins a lot.

She doesn’t like spicy curry though. She got my aunt to make her the kind of curry that isn’t spicy at all, “Chinese curry”, they call it. That was awful.

She isn’t literate, she asked people to dial the phone numbers for her, but she has this stack of calendar paper in her old cupboard, the one day per page kind of Chinese calendar you get at Chinese medicine shops. She’d tear off the ones for special days. The days her sons got married, the day her youngest son graduated, the birthdates of each of her grandchildren, and she’d get someone to write down for her at the back of that piece of calendar paper the special event for that day. And then she’d put it on top of that pile she already has. She kept it for years. That’s her equivalent of a diary, I supposed.

She used to work alongside my granddad at their stall, when she was in her fifties. I wish I knew her then. They told me how she cooked then, even when she was older, she was the kind who could handle very hold things, like a hot pan, with her bare hands and not be burnt, kind. Later my uncle took over the stall, but she still used to go down to the market every few days to sit around, and eat her favourite foods.

My granddad used to have this like tricycle thing. Except the passenger side was more like an open cart, mainly they used it to carry their business stuff, peanuts, flour, sugar, etc, when they were still operating the business. I can imagine my gram sitting on the cart side while my granddad cycled. My dad and his brothers sat on it too, when they were younger. My dad used to talk about how he woke up really early to go to the market with my granddad, how he fell down and got a certain scar.

I liked that cart a lot. To me it was really cool. I think I got to sit on it once or twice when I was young.

My gram was still from the generation who actually used scrap pieces of cloth to make diapers for babies. I had some, my mom told me. That my gram had made. I was the last grandchild to use them, the rest used white cloth after that. I had a patchwork blanket. I forgot if it was my gram or my mom who made it.

I wrote about my grandparents in my soci essay in the first module. In NUS. It was the only essay for which I got an A.

Once someone, at some Social Work workshop, I think, was teaching about “safe place”, that everyone needs that place in our lives where we can feel safe. He told us to think of a time, one time when we feel the most safe, comforted. I thought, and the thing that came to my mind wasn’t my mom, it wasn’t even my dad, it was my grandmother. There was a time when I was little, I was staying over at her house, I was sleeping in her room with her. Her room in that old house smelled of medicated oil. She was afraid of the cold, so she didn’t even on the fan. But she could tell I was hot, and there she was in the middle of the night, fanning me with one of her straw fans, to make me cooler. She was trying to get me to go to sleep, and she said this, “zhud zhud ook, zhud zhud ook”, something like that, it meant to tell me to sleep tightly, something like that. That was my most secured childhood memory. A couple of years ago, the last time she came to my place during Chinese New Year, I told her that. That I remembered that memory. She was sitting on a sofa in the corner of the sitting room, so quietly, while everyone else was in the middle near the television, making lots of noise. It suddenly came to me that my grandparents, who were the centre of the family, were kind of fading away. They used to be the ones in the centre, talking and having authority, but now it was like they were too tired, too old to do this anymore. Their sons were the ones talking loudly, making decisions, while they sat by quietly. My granddad was tired and had gone to sleep in my sis’s room. Watching her sit there reminded me of that song learnt in Hokkien service, the one with “yeo-ah-yeo” in it. The one about no matter how the wind and rain blows, the Lord still holds us so we won’t shake. That’s the song I really wanted to sing to her then, but I couldn’t. Or couldn’t make myself. That I can’t sing to her anymore. All I could do was tell her about my memory. I think that was the closest I came to telling her I loved her. By the time I went to the hospital that week she died, I wasn’t sure she could hear me anymore. With all those stoic people around, I couldn’t make myself say anything anyway, except keep calling her name.

When Chinese New Year comes, I listen to those songs on the street, they remind me of her.

Sometimes a surprise lights

2005-12-27T02:03:00.000+08:00

Today I was packing my room, there was a little piece of paper, quite old and crumpled. It says “National Heart Centre”. There were three names on it. The first was “Chen Guixiang”. I looked at the address. I still remember memorizing that unit number, that particular door on that particular floor of that block. I looked at the birthdates. And the home provinces… Those gals who have been mentors, do you remember who Elida is? Her name’s on it too.

Praise God! He does strange things. Really strange. And He’s so good!

It was a useless piece of paper, but I just can’t throw it away. It says so much.

I wish I were stupider

2005-11-11T01:58:00.000+08:00

I'm writing in this journal everyday now, it seems. Though it's hols now, I hardly get to spend any evenings at home. Not the last two, and not the next few either. The first will be this Sunday. I'm not complaining, I would rather do this than work. There's two service learning projects on my agenda, it makes me wonder how on earth I came to be involved in them. Being still "social work" at heart (yes, Cindy is right, though I don't often say this), I ought to be happy service learning is all the rage now, but somehow, the term gives me a bad taste of sorts. Maybe I have some misconception somewhere.

The thing I forgot to say yesterday, was after hearing my friend say so much about how glad she was to be learning so much from skilled and experienced professionals, it brought me back and intensified my realisation that I'm not that kind of "professional" person. All those professional image things gross me out. I don't have any objections against other people being professional, it's probably a good thing, it's just not for me. That's why all those professional talk, whether for teachers or social workers or church work, it just goes over my head. I just wish I needn't have anything to do with it, if I have to I try to endure it. The thing that gets to me is when people expect me to participate actively somehow, and judge me accordingly if I don't, or even if I don't do it every enthusiastically or well. Sigh. How do you be enthusiastic and do something well that you hate? But it's expected all over the world.

Sometimes I wish I've been born stupider. Then I wouldn't be going to Uni, I'll just have a technical/administrative kind of job, and be happy doing what I do, with no one expecting strange things like "professionalism" from me. I'll probably earn less, but I won't have any Uni loans to pay off. And I'll be used to it, so I won't miss what I never had, same as I don't envy people who are now richer than me. I won't know so much about computers and stuff, so I won't be unhappy not having money to have a laptop and stuff. I'll have friends who all eat/shop at cheaper places, wear more casual clothes, so I'll be comfortable doing the same in that world. Maybe more, cos I hate make-up.

But I dare say the grass is always greener on the other side.

刻骨铭心

2005-11-10T15:21:00.000+08:00

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head now. I shouldn't be writting at this time, but then I keep saying this. I wanted, no, want, to go jogging tomorrow morning, so I should go to sleep. I haven't gone jogging at the canal for like a year. But then I don't write very often, so when I write, I like to write more, and when I have the time, I tend to write a lot at one go.

I 'll ask my dad tomorrow if I can take the car to the top of the multi-storey carpark and practise parking there. I decided even if I don't learn to drive properly this hols, I should at least learn to park at a reasonable rate, instead of like five minutes, even with my dad yelling instructions, and exasperating all the other drivers waiting for me in the process. I'm very slow at learning this, like mechanical type of things, (which excludes technological things though) and I've kind of accepted it, so that I don't feel bad about being slow, I just take it as a fact of life, is that good or bad? Is it unambitious, or Ah-Q, or whatever?

Ok, here comes the more interesting part. I'm mentioning a lot of the people who read my blog by name, that should interest them enough.

I went back to my old office today, the Covenant FSC one. It happens to me in every stage of life. In every place there is a time of adaptation, a time of struggle, a time of growing, a time of learning to love a place more or less, then closure, and letting go. And then after a time, when some time has passed, so that I've moved on in my heart, I'll have a chance to take a look at that place again from a different perspective. Now, that is scary, I can immediately think of ONE place I don't want ever to step into again, at least until she is gone. It's the place I worked at after Covenant. Before NIE, duh.

And going back to a place is always a strange feeling. I get lots and lots of 感触. Well, the first person I saw was Jessica, she was there with these children, and watching her was like, it reminded me of those times I used to see her teaching Reading Program. She always has this patient, gentle, motherly (young motherly) air, even when she's getting exasperated by them. I can imagine that's what she'll be like with her own kids next time. And sitting on the sofa watching her was ... so comfortable. Talking to Aunty...

And walking into the office, well, it was a surprise, simply because everyone was so warm. Cindy, Eng Choon, Ngee Mong, even Lynette, whom I don't know well, Gloria ... It felt so very family-like I almost regretted on the spot that I was no longer part of it. It was getting hazy in my head, the picture of that office, but immediately I stepped in, it felt so home like, so comfortable, I couldn't even feel awkward. I had fun talking to them. I was always reading about Cindy's busyness, stress, etc, but she never once let me feel I'm taking up her time. And the rest just talked like I haven't been gone for more than a year, more like just a fortnight. I guess happening just after my hermit crab period of staying at home and only meeting classmates who were more like acquaintances, it really got to me. And Christine was so cheerful, I was really glad. :>

This's the first time I really realised it. I missed all of you, people! If I ever did volunteer work (out of my own free will) I'll come back. But not likely during the next three years when I'm bonded to a much less family-like organisation. I guess it's too big. The visit just made me wish there was a job there that didn't involve counselling (but still gave about the same pay) I'll gladly take the pay difference between a social worker and a teacher if that was the case. It is said people only learn to appreciate what they have after they lose it. I'm worse, I only learn what I've lost after I go back and look at it.

But I guess things are not so nostalgic always when you go to a place everyday and have plenty of work to do, even if the people are that nice.

And Sharmaine's desk wasn't that messy. I remembered mine was worse.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, just remembered. There's this person named Aly who's a common friend of both Cindy and Serene. And both of them said Aly was a great person at the same time, which is why I noticed. And found out it was the same person. So, gals, do the two of you happen to know each other?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And then I went out with Adeline for dinner. I think somehow, I've forgotten how to enjoy myself. I didn't quite know what to say when she wasn't telling me something about her life. Later, went to this pub place with her and Sharmaine and Choi Ying and Karen. It felt weird sitting there doing nothing. I feel like I haven't spent so long doing nothing for a long time. It was weird.

And when Adeline was trying on clothes, waiting outside for her felt weird too. I guess all those sittings and waitings are just a social thing, but perhaps I've been a hermit crab for too long. It feels strange just doing nothing!

That was when I started feeling very "no life". When I told my sis what I did in school nowadays, she was shocked, it was so extreme.

Everyday I went to school with one focus. To get over my lessons, do as much work as possible, get home as soon as possible. It was so focused that the moment the lessons end, my first thought is of going straight to the library to do work. Every single time. And I hardly wait for anyone else around me to pack their things or anything, I just walk out and walk alone to the library, where I spend the entire time of my break doing work until it's time for the next class. I don't sit with anyone or talk to anyone. I have a special quiet corner. The only exception is the people who are on msn with me at that time. I hardly even go to the canteen.

People usually book seats for friends at lectures, I only have this group of friends who were the first group of people I met and wanted for friends, but it turned out I didn't have a common class with any of them at all. Sometimes they had a seat for me, sometimes they didn't. I'd just go off and find a seat in the corner by myself. Sometimes I can't find them, and I just sit in some corner myself. I don't even really mind it. I would never have done such a thing in JC, Uni, or even church now (except Chinese service). I've never been a hermit crab since primary school days, I didn't even eat alone if I didn't have people with me. I'd rather starve. I always went around with a crowd around me, or at least a couple of friends.

And you know how people wait around for one another after school, to go home together, or go for lunch, kind of thing? After the first few weeks, I never waited for more than five minutes. If you weren't going home now, so sorry, I have to rush home, I'll go off first, bye, even though actually I don't have anything in particular to rush home for except to do more work. My sis says she haven't seen me work so hard for a long time. She's wrong, I haven't ever worked so hard in my life.

I don't think all this is very good for me, but I really think that's what God wants me to do, or at least, part of what He wants me to do, how? And it's not like because I do this I've got plenty of time. I still rushed like mad in the end. Adeline concluded that it's just me. Does that mean I just can't cope with two things? I asked her, now my choice is between being antisocial, and not working. She concludes that since it isn't very feasible to not work, I should just be antisocial. ???

I don't accept being fated to be a hermit crab.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I realise I don't see people in the cell dress up much. It was a little weird watching Karen and Choi dressed up. It's nice, just not used to it. I'm more used to seeing you people with chicken pox. :> Adeline, at least I always knew she was weird.

It was weird going out with the cell people too. I haven't done it in ages. Or so it feels. Somehow I kept feeling the difference in that atmosphere and culture and the one I feel when I'm with PRC girls. I think everyone has branded me as "with the PRC girls", somehow. It feels really different being with both. They just do things so differently. Maybe people expect me to belong to both, sometimes I feel I don't belong to either. And I can't just belong to one, which would make things easier. I can't choose the "S'pore" crowd, so I guess I have to choose the other. But there's a part of me that is more comfortable with the "S'pore" crowd. I'm Singaporean! There's been many many times in church and related settings when I've had to choose. And usually I make myself make the "PRC crowd" choice. Except occasionally I'll "skive off", as Jesslyn knows. But with the "PRC crowd" I'm never really one of them. Simply because, well, I'm not! Many times the way they react to certain things still surprises me. And sometimes when I'm with other people, the thought of the difference kind of dazes me.

Sigh, in the end I didn't talk so much about other people, I just talked about myself. I'm self-centered. But then, dear Jingyu, I've never been described as 'arrogant' before. Oversensitive, weird, etc, yes. But arrogant, never. But I won't agree to that, though I'll accept that I am obstinate. But then obstinate is a little like stiff-necked, and the Bible records times when God said things to the Israelites like, they are such a stiff-necked people that if I even go with them for a moment, I might destroy them. So maybe it's not that good to be obstinate either, yah?

Actually on my way home, I realised I didn't actually want any answers from you. I just wanted you to listen. Maybe next time, I should specify in advance.

I think you're not the only person who became more frank after a year. I did too, we talk to each other different from before. We say things bluntly more, at least I do. But the good thing is although you are blunt to people, you seem to take it ok when people are blunt with you in return, at least, so far, but then, I'm such a tactful person I'm not likely to say anything offensive, yah? So I'll never find out.

I should relax, and take things easier. But I wouldn't like to find that I've wasted my holidays, it's really my last hols as a student, I want to spend it well. I like to end my entries with a dilemna that can't quite be solved, so here it is.

Then I'll end with my real usual ending. I suppose that what I want to end my life knowing too. God is good. :>

P.S. I don't think I'll be able to wake up to go jogging tomorrow after all ... :< But God is still good.

Thoughts

2005-11-08T23:39:00.001+08:00

Was sitting in the train today, missed the interchange because was busy doing something on my palm. Realised I kind of forgot how to just sit there and not do anything. I have this big thing for saving time, espeically while on transport, which seems to me like a huge waste of time. Imagine spending hours everyday doing nothing, just sitting, staring in front, waiting for the train/bus/car/cab/whatever to take you somewhere.

I always have something to do. That's what my handphone and palmtop and laptop are for. If nothing, I must at least be thinking and planning stuff, like what to do/buy/say later when I reach my destination. Unless I'm tired and sleeping, which I reckon is kind of productive at least cause I'm resting.

I looked around at all the people sitting doing nothing. Thought maybe it'll be good if I did that too. Easier said than done.

----------------------------------------

It grosses me out that I'm earning more than my mum, and I'm always broke and she never is. And she buys stuff for me more than I buy for her. And she's working, I'm working, but she's the one doing the housework, buying the dinner, etc. I have bouts of inspiration of helping her, but it never outlasts the school holidays. When I look at the piles in my room, I reckon I

my interesting experiences

2005-11-08T23:39:00.000+08:00

These couple weeks I did a few things I haven't done for years.

1. Staying home almost the whole time for 2 weeks.

Haven't been so sick in years... at least, in my memory, which isn't that good, really.

2. Drank 4 bottles of cough syrup without stopping, through the 2 weeks lah, not at one go, I'm not suicidal.

My mum always said cough syrup is poison. I looked it up on the web, it was quite true. Does that mean I've been poisoned? I think so.

The first 3 bottles at least was the cherry flavored kind that doctors gave everyone, including little kids, so I guess it wasn't that bad. Then when I saw him for the 4th time... I guess he was sick of seeing me too... (I don't have a choice, the 3rd bottle was empty.) He gave me this bottle that I knew must be very very lethal... including more lethal pills and antibiotics, I never knew people get antibiotics for coughs before, it must be bad.

It was LETHAL. I ate it and slept and slept and slept. Then woke up, ate it again, and promptly fell asleep again. And again. It was like I was trying to make up for all the previous months of lack of sleep...

Which was a good thing, 'cause before this lethal medicine, I couldn't sleep at all at night (due to cough, not insomnia, I never have insomnia, I love to sleep) for a week. So I

3. Slept sitting up for a week and a half. I tried to pile all the pillows in my room together, but it still wasn't high enough. It wasn't easy to sleep sitting up without being in a lecture, though.

4. Had bread, butter, condensed milk, hot water and cough syrup as my staple diet in replacement of rice and bread. I daren't eat anything else. Everything nice is heaty or spicy or chilly or generally shouldn't be eaten when you're sick.

What a boring entry, well, I suffered, so that's my way of making you suffer with me. :> 有福同享 ...

5. Read 2 and a half story books in a day, one after another.

They were from the children's section, so doesn't take that long. It's not picture books, though, it's the kind with small words. My lecturer calls them chapter books. The thing is I haven't done this kind of marathon reading for a while, feels great. But mustn't do it again, lots to do. Maybe I'll do it once every holiday...

2005-10-20T14:38:00.000+08:00

Today there are pink flowers on the trees in the forest that I can see through the window where I'm sitting in the library. I always thank God when I see flowers in unexpected places, cos it's like receiving a gift of flowers.

There are a lot of people angry with me one way or other, for not meeting up to standard in some way.

2005-09-30T11:48:00.000+08:00

There is a place in NIE library, 4th floor, it's quite quiet, a little lonesome; from there you can see a whole mass of trees, just like you can see from NUS library rooftop. It reminds me of school, of simpler days.

I thank God for this place, and for my laptop. Many many times I come here to work, the trees make me feel a little better. Because the trees are never hurried, they stand, they just grow. And they do lift their hands to praise the Lord too! I'll never forget that.

Sometimes when I get so tired of working, in a little song I'm listening to, He'll remind me, of truth and love and beauty much bigger than all the mundane stuff I get stuck in. Then I'll stop working (pushing away the thought that I really shouldn't and there isn't time to), and just look at the trees my Maker made, and listen to those songs, and let my heart worship Him.

:>

I think that's what life's really about. At least it is, for me.

This must be the cheerfulest entry I've written in a long time. Not because things are better, but because God is still good. I think I say that in every entry...

As you can see, I've managed to waste more time

2005-09-18T04:42:00.000+08:00

Seven things that scare me
Cannot finish running the race
My parents dying before knowing the Lord
Moths
Having huge debts to pay
Being very sick
The dark
Loud big ugly machines

seven things I like the most
Sleeping
Being alone with God
Reading and eating (at the same time)
Going out to have a luxurious dinner with people I like
Spending time with my family
Being at home
Watching the dawn

seven important things in my room
Bed
Air-conditioner
Laptop
Books
Pillow
Blanket
Waterbottle

seven random facts about me
I love to stay awake in the wee hours, but hate it when I wake up late the next day
I love to make up analogies for life
I drink lots of water at home, but very little outside
I never go to squatting toilets
I could spend all day, many days at home, and love it, dun mind being quarantined
I like to be left alone when I’m sick
I have a 3310 phone, and love it

seven things I plan to do before I die
see my family saved
get married
go to china
pay all my debts
be a real volunteer (maybe when I retire)
make a difference in pple’s lives
write (just for myself to read)

seven things I can do
Stay at home for a long time
Solve a lot of IT problems
Listen to people
Be tactful
Write a long letter
Sleep for 12 hours
Write mirror-imaged words

seven things I can't do
Be straightforward
Deal with people day and night
Be disciplined
Stand dirty toilets
Sew
Sing loudly
Run very fast

seven things I say the most
Huh
yup
mmm…
I’m very tired
..really…
ok?
How?

2005-09-18T02:26:00.000+08:00

I'm seriously not supposed to be here. Went back to school on Fri to hand in an essay, heard everyone agree this's the worst 'holiday' they ever had. Who ever heard of a holiday where you spent everyday from morning to night typing on your computer and reading notes, that is, other than finding a few hours to sleep, gulping down your dinner so you could go back and work some more?

I could spend more time grumbling. But if I'm going to spend some time being crazy, I better do it more enjoyably. I have a mad urge to play some silly computer game for a few hours. Or to do something on the computer I actually enjoy, instead of work and more work. Which is why I am here.

The reason why I don't write, is usually when I start I can't stop. So I can't afford to start.

People usually say I'm a reflective person, or that I think too much, depending on which way you look at it.

Thought a bit more of one of my 'life analogies' on the way home today.

Life is like sitting in a car.

When you're little you sit in the backseat. Things around you are all taken care of, you don't quite know how. You get moved from place to place, you don't have much say about it. On the other hand, you don't have to worry, no responsibilities. Sometimes bad things do still happen to you. It could be your driver's fault, or another car's fault, and you suffer badly for it. Anyhow there still isn't anything you can do, you just sit.

When you're older, they tell you you can learn to drive. They give you a learner's plate and you begin to do some of the things you've always taken for granted would happen all by themselves. You learn being able to control things can be fun, and very satisfying, but it comes with responsibilities. You can't just drowse in the car anymore. The good thing is the emergency brakes and that extra rearview mirror that experienced person beside you have. You always know even if you lose control, that person with the foresight and hindsight can step on your brakes and make sure you don't crash.

One fine day they give you a little piece of paper. It could be a cert, sometimes it's a driving licence. You're qualified, they tell you. You're exhilarated. Yesterday you were a learner, they wouldn't let you go alone/drive on the expressway. Today, you can do anything you like!

You try it for a bit. It was a little harder than you thought. For one thing, they never let you on the expressways before. You never knew it was much more complicated here. And now you're alone. You try to ask for some advice. People try to give you space to grow. "You can do it, just try." They give you some general advice. "It's just guts, just do it." You slow down, unsure. "Hey, you're acting like a learner, you're supposed to be qualified. Hurry, stop holding us up."

Nobody believes me anymore. They don't believe I can't do it. I dunno why. Acutually I'm really scared. 人命关天，really, 人命关天! What if I knock someone down, even if I never meant to? What if my best just isn't enough, I just can't multitask enough to drive? What if I simply cannot cope on my own? It's lives in my hands, people keep telling me, lives in my hands. I know. I never said I could do it. I even asked God for permission to get out of the people line. I didn't get it.

What if I taught people the wrong things, and it really affects them? I dun want to tie a big milestone around my neck and jump into the sea. What if I knock someone down? They could die! I don't want to go to jail.

Sometimes I wonder, I'm only 24. I've never been in a relationship before, I know nuts about BGR. And then suddenly, I'm supposed to know how to guide people with their relationship problems! And I'm accountable to God! How am I supposed to know how, from theory lessons?

I guess now it's at least better than before. I know the general goal of what I'm doing, and I actually like the things I'm doing. At least kind of motivated.

It's the amount that's the problem. If I'm given plenty of time to delve deep and be proactive, great, I'd love to do it, seriously. Now I'm pushed like mad and you expect excellence from me, 我就挂了。How do you expect a person whose deepest desire for the moment is actually to get some sleep, or sort out some of the mess in her life, to go do over and above her duty, seek excellence, do her best, no negligence???

The number of wrong things I've done this year, I must be the most irresponsible person on earth. The strange thing is I haven't got any scolding from God all the while. I thought I got scoldings before for lesser stuff. Maybe He knows pressure from Him also, 我就死定了。

Last week there was this lady I knew vaguely, she came up to me in the middle of the service and said she had a word for me. It was so accurate it was freaky, she said she sensed it while she was standing behind me! Wah, so power one... The one word I remembered was 'Approval'. It was so unexpected. The last thing I feel is approved. Loved unconditionally, yes. But approved, a person who did so many things wrong, is not even trying to do some of them right, so messed up she doesn't know where to begin clearing up (like my room), approved?

My English teacher told me I could teach. She refused to believe me when I told her I can't talk. It was a great encouragement, I really need it, coming from all the curses I heard from that principal (but I'm blessed beyond the curse! Must remember) She based her assessment on 3 minutes of teaching, so I'm not sure to believe her so much yet, but it sure is good to see a signpost that says you're traveling in the right direction, esp when you've been seeing some signs from crazy people that you're going in totally the wrong way.

So now people don't believe I can't do it anymore. Seemingly even God doesn't believe me. Ha ha ha ha ... ... I would say they don't know how confused I actually am, but God does know. I tell Him everyday. :>

(to my theologically correct fren, pardon me for being irreverent, this's supposed to be a vent)

But seriously I sometimes do think of giving up. (As in work or ministry, not God) I'm sick of working day and night, it's driving me crazy. I need to think, but if I take time off to do that, as I'm doing now, I know I actually have to suffer the consequences later, ie, even less sleep, feel like screaming, etc. So I'm suppose to suffer for wanting to straighten out my thoughts, half the time I'm either not sure I'm doing the right thing, or doing it the right way, or I'm trying to skive off something, or is so bogged down by work I can't think straight. Make that nearly all the time, not half. I wish I could have a break, but I'm not due for one, at least not in my calendar, and not in God's (I think)

Living by faith should be very resting right? I am finding it rather tiring at the moment, because of the constant dissonance. I feel I can't do it, do it anyway. I'm not sure I have the ability, go ahead by faith! Now, did God ever say living by faith is supposed to be resting? I don't remember, someone remind me pls.

God's plans can be like, 400 years for the people to be in Egypt, 40 years for Moses to be in the dessert. 4 years (of BONDAGE) seems stretch before me like an infinite eternity, and after that the plans just look even more scary. Sometimes 4 days is a loonnnggg time... when working, that is.

I feel a littled bit...vented. Actually this entry could be written a different way.

-------------------------------------

I have an English teacher who told me I could teach. It's just a little statement to her, I take it as a great encouragement from God.

People believe in me.

I have people to disciple, ie, I have the great privilege of serving God.

I've done many things wrong, but nobody really scolded me. I've been given so much grace.

I have a driving licence! What to do, I shall just have to ask for journey mercy, for me and everyone else on the road, each time I drive. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own (ability to drive), in all your (steering) acknowledge Him, and He will make (sure you don't hit anything)...

I have a great God who loves me everyday. That's more than many many words can say. That's more than whatever else can happen.

I am approved by God (strangely)

----------------------------------------

Told you I can't stop writing once I start.

This crazy girl has managed to spend the 2 hours she cannot afford on something she doesn't absolutely have to do.

Now I go suffer my consequences.

God is still good. I believe it. Don't you?

Hope

2005-07-27T16:26:00.000+08:00

This is an unusual time for me to write, but this is my transition "light" period into NIE. The lecturers assured us this is the only light week, so i better treasure it.

From this vantage point (today is NTU flag day, no lessons), I remember,

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...The time i first returned to school for an addition one month. And finding out I have to teach a class full time, together with all the many duties of a form teacher, when the other contract teacher will just do relief and go home at 1pm everyday. Why do i always get the more work plus more scolding? Somehow when I leave a job, pple always have a hard time replacing me, (nothing to do with my ability, tho), and then I have to do all the squeeze out the handover, kind of thing. This is the 3rd time already.

Anyway, I find out wat a trememdouly bad attitude i have, seeing the injustice made me feel like skiving off for the month, except i keep remembering it won't b fair to the kids, and they're already so weak as it it.

Turns out I had to prepare them for common tests, school events, etc

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...and then the weekend before the last week in school, thinking of wanting to end things properly, wanting to show the kids something nice before i leave...

and then on tue, with just three days to go, principal had to give me this huge insult first, parting gift, i suppose. she said 2 parents complained abt me, din just get to the point, wat the things i'm supposed to have done wrong, instead spent 15 mins telling me how rotten i am, how both she and the parents wished i was gone, (yes, those were the words she used). And THEN she decided to get more factual. Turned out half the things weren't true anyway, the rest were mainly miscommunication, only one or two things were my mistake, couldn't she have found out the facts first?

Anyway, I've lost all respect for her. Who would threaten a two or three month greenhorn with termination just because she didn't take enough care to make a particular phonecall? Someone who regularly threatens to kick students out of school for normal misdeavours, who threatens her staff with D grades before finding out who's at fault, i suppose.

I suppose she could see there wasn't either fear or apology in my face, only the look of someone hoping she'll finish soon, so i can get off asap, that's why she went on and on for so long.

Aft leaving her office, i was left with one goal for the next few days. To get out of her school. No more care about leaving the kids with something nice or anything like that. Just make sure I've done all that's within my duty, and get out as soon as possible, and celebrate. Which person in her right mind wants pple to leave their company that way? I pity my kids for being in her school. She has certainly threatened them saying the school doesn't want them. On a roughly monthly basis.

the day i left, there were no nostalgic feelings, just relief. She has chased it all out. If that was the typical spirit of the school, i certainly want no part in it. From now on I'm praying, pls pray with me, that i never never have to step into her school again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...sitting on my bed, counting my blessings. A happy, healthy family. My spiritual family. Good health and hope for the future. And a great, great God who gave me all these blessings. I'm very, very blessed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

before school ended, i bought a new bag. it's simple, but i like simple things. i left it on my table, and in the next few terrible days before i couldn get out of the school, i looked at it, and it seemed to symbolise a new beginning. I was going to use it immediately aft leaving the school.

that sat, i took that bag to church. I saw someone who came back into my life. It seemed to be something God was saying to me. I've been through nothing compared to pple who have really suffered, but this half year was the worst, the longest, since I was 18. I really want a new beginning. Not a new life, I already have the new life, but a new season.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...jess asked me, since i was going to NIE and it's supposed to be a honeymoon period, do i plan to do anything. She wants me to join a dance class with her, i think, but i can't dance.

I dun think I'm going to ever be very free, not like in NUS days, at least not til i retire or lose my job, or in eternity... but i dun think pple will think abt whether they're busy or not then... but i do have my own plans... haha, actually they're always the same ones. To spend more time with God, more time with pple i love, and this time something else, but that's a secret, :>, at least for a little while.

yep, and i'm going to try Choi's advice, not to leave deadlines for til last min... possible?

2005-07-08T18:28:00.000+08:00

Have done a little shifting from my other blog. A few entries I wrote when I first came to the school, for Haz in case she wants to read.

And a few of the other things I din noe who really to share to at that point in time.

And a few blog letters to JY that were not so personal. So if anyone comes across something addressed to some mysterious person, that's prob the case.

It feels good to have done something you were kind of dreading. Not talking abt blog of course. :>. But it feels to get things over and done with, like burning bridges, then at least you dun keep worrying abt them anymore. That's why i was in a good mood to update this blog. Dun worry, it's some little thing i'm crapping abt.

10 more days to the countdown, not including weekends.

14 more, even including weekends, isn't that great? :> oops, i forgot to mark an X on my calendar today...

After Term One

2005-03-14T02:04:00.000+08:00

Actually dun want to write, should go sleep. But need to write, to reflect upon the things for the whole term. Writing here cos not sure wat'll come out. Not sure if I'm ready for many many pple to read it yet.

Was very apprehensive of the beginning of this year. Cos I know it was going to be a real busy life again, and the last time I didn't handle it real well. I dun want to live everyday dreading it, that's not life. I want life in all its abundance!

School-wise, the first few weeks, esp the first, was scary. I felt like there's no time to eat or sleep, exhausted everyday, I was shocked. I thought if that was the way I was supposed to work everyday for a long time, I sure wasn't going to make it. I'd better find a way to deal with it soon.

It got better when I learnt to let things go a little, and not take things so hard. And maybe learnt to skive a little :>. The strange thing was that although I was working longer hours (10 or so) and had no leave to take, I din dread going to work everyday like last time, though I only worked 9 hours that time, and had lunch and all (now I dun). I take it as a sign that teaching is the right path for me.

I grew to love the kids, my Chinese teacher called them my 宝贝, which, well, I do find them really endearing even if they make my blood boil sometimes. I'll take a picture of every single one of them before I go.

My grandmother's death was the first time I really faced death in my life. It was the first time I looked at a corpse. That time before they put her into the coffin, one of her hands was like hanging out of the cloth covers. In a stiff way. Some thing 'mortis', I think they call it. Meaning bodies get stiff when they're cold. It gave me a strange feeling. Like how could that hand that was so soft, in fact fragile-ly soft when I touched it just the last two days, now become just a ... THING. A thing that's not living anymore. That death changes so much, it make that which was so dear to you hours ago, become a thing, without meaning.

Grieving seemed to be specifically disallowed at funerals. Everyone talked in detail about arrangements to be made and tasks to be carried out, who was where doing what. If anyone seemed likely to start crying, we change the topic. Or we say are you alright, so that person would brace himself to control his face. Nobody gave anyone a hug to let them have a good cry. People told me not to touch them, so as not to make them cry!

All those rituals look so unreal to me. I wish I could tell them. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. But they wouldn't believe me. She's gone. You can't help her now. There really isn't anything you can do for her anymore. It won't help her. It doesn't matter. There's no point.

Only when I'm alone with the Lord, things look more real. I can cry and not feel I'm doing something wrong. And He won't go away, no matter how strange things go.

For nearly a month after that I thought things were fine. But there was something wrong with me, something stuck. Like something I left there and forgot to take out. Maybe didn't want to take, didn't want to see it because it was too horrible to see.

I still can't write about it yet. Don't know HOW to. WHERE is she? Who can tell me? How can I accept it? And there's nothing I can do. How do I live with that?

Someone said something to me. About what she's going thru, how she feels about certain people and what they did. She didn't say a single bad thing about me. At that time I didn't think about how I feel about the things she said at all. Only thought about how the situation was affecting her and all.

I think I'm emotionally retarded recently. Takes me a while to recognise my own feelings. I was reading something, totally irrelevant, and it suddenly struck me how hurt I felt over what she said. Very, very hurt. So that I stopped reading and just cried. And groaned. Because it hurts so much.

I was only trying to love her. Why must she make it so hard for me to love her? The worst is, I feel a little poisoned. I find myself uncertain how to love in certain areas she's mentioned. I find myself wondering if others have the same objections as she did which they never voiced. I wonder if I've been doing right, and suddenly, I dun quite feel I know how to love them at all!

I feel like running away. Dun have to love. Dun have to worry whether it's right. Dun have to love so much and then have people say such horrid horrid things over the love you've been giving sincerely out of your heart. That's so painful.

That time was reading the Gospels, reached the part where Jesus entered Jerusalem. Suddenly felt how Jesus must feel, when his disciples quarreled over the seats. He's loved and taught them for 3 years, haven't they learnt His heart? And one of them, one of those He washed the feet, he's going to betray Him! He must be so hurt. So hurt. And that's only the beginning.

And all of them are going to betray Him, He's going to be hurt by them, and go on to be hurt more by dying for them! He didn't want to run away. He didn't say, sorry, I feel hurt, I need time to recuperate, I can't die on the cross today. He didn't have time! He had to take it all, one after another.

Not comparing my hurt to His, mine is so tiny. But it did show me a lot about what it really means to love unconditionally. To love, and your love go unappreciated, let yourself be hurt, and then go and love some more. And let yourself be hurt some more. Ouch. Ouch. How did He do it? I dun feel I can do it.

And that's the way He has been loving me, long before I was born, and now, day after day, year after year. Haven't I hurt Him? I have hurt Him far more than that girl ever hurt me.

When He gave me the answer 'die' I was actually so shocked I jumped. Physically. (I mean physically jumped, not physically die) I'm already so hurt You want me to die? That hurts!

But that was exactly what He meant. Only when that part that is hurt dies, then He can replace it with something new, something whole, not hurt. Best of all, something that will not love with human love, because the part that is hurt, the human part, is unable to love anymore. Something that will love with His better love. And the hurt will bring about death that will result in something new that's better. That can love not out of my resource, out of HIS resource. Something more humble. Something more focused, more dependent on Him.

That was what Jesus did in Gethesame. He was hurt, and without pause, He went on to consent to die. That's the kind of love that can love after it is hurt. That's the kind of love I have to have if I were to really love them. That's the kind of love He wants to give me. But it must die first. Love that must die first!

I must learn this kind of love, for I must love. But for now, I'm still in the garden.

School Days

2005-03-06T01:46:00.000+08:00

Haven’t read email and do all those internet things for ages. I hope nobody’s mad at me for forgetting something or other. Think I’m very apathetic these days, which is not like me. And yet very needy. Very, very needy. I wonder why. Is it my work environment? I don’t want to be apathetic.

So many things happened. Haven’t written about them. Sometimes I write for people to read. Sometimes I write to keep a record for myself. Sometimes to clear my head. And now I wonder, why should I write? Or not write?

Don’t have time to write. So many times so many frustrations. Just go to sleep. In the long run that’s not good for me. But sometimes you just can’t write when so many things are waiting for you to do them. Or you think they’re there waiting for you to do them.

Sometimes just want to be alone. Wish to be alone. Like in school days when at least once in a while you get time to be alone, even if it’s just exam times when you have to spend time alone studying.

Like getting some peace and quiet. I can’t say I haven’t grown, I have learnt lots of things. Learnt to talk. But at what price? Not at the price of peace, is it worth it?

But then I thought I couldn’t cope with such a schedule at the beginning. But now it doesn’t look that bad. Or at least doesn’t look so killing. Survivable.

But I can’t live to do. Lord, I really need You to tell me what to do. How to live? Do everything? Not do everything?

Sometimes even when I have time to be alone I just do some things, waste time. Too stoned to do anything else. I think I’m still finding my balance, haven’t found it yet.

I don’t just want to do things. Even if it looks like a constructive life and I’m doing meaningful things. I want to walk with the Lord. Closely. I want to really serve people, lovingly, not zombie-ly. I want to be passionate about what I do, not let it become a routine. I want to believe in what I do, even if people look down on it, or it doesn’t fit the world’s standards about what’s worthwhile.

Sometimes I think I need a little retreat, a little peace. I do. But that’s not the real solution, I need an everyday, on-going relationship with Jesus. He’s my rest.

2004-12-07T01:29:00.000+08:00

Lord, I am lonely, I never knew it before. I never knew I could be lonely before. Never knew it could hurt me if my support network is absent. Never knew if I just felt I wasn’t close to them, it would matter so much. I miss them. I wish I were there more than they do, surely, but who knows? How would they know? I wasn’t there to tell them. This is the real me writing, not about happenings and events. Lord, I never knew it would matter so much if it seemed they didn’t care, and it isn’t even as though they didn’t, just that they didn’t notice, didn’t know, they were wrapped up in their own troubles, just like everyone else. Would, could I be happy only if I’m the one doing the giving? Do I give because I want others to care? Out of sight, out of mind? I didn’t know how that feels. Din even know it could be true, you see.

Lord, I feel so isolated, and I don’t feel very bright at all. I don’t know if You’ve prepared me for this environment, I know You put me in such an environment on purpose, it just feels a little heavy. Is this training for something else?

I don’t know, I just know it’s true it feels hard to be the only one rooting for the other team the whole day long, everyday. It feels harder that your team feels like a stranger when you’re finally there. I need You. You’re the only one who’d always know, who’d give to me even when I have nothing to give You.

You must teach me all the right things. Then my environment won’t defeat me. Ever. I wish someone would just give to me. And that person is You.

Growing old

2004-12-05T14:55:00.000+08:00

Does it ever worry you to see ur own parents grow old? Since the time when my dad was a towering giant to me, he always represented strength to me, he was someone always there, sometimes he's unreasonable, sometimes he gets on my nerves, sometimes he's plain wrong, but no matter how many times we quarrel, he never gives up, like some epitome of "love never fails".

i remembered when i first realised he had white hair, or started balding, his signs of weaknesses contradict my concept of his strength in a way my brain finds it hard, either to comprehen or to accept. My mom gets these coughs that can go on for months, i worry abt her constitution, when she comes home from work with aching bones, i wish she would stop working, but dun have a stable job myself now.

recently i have a fren whose father is sick, such that he actually ran away from hosp and they were so worried cos he's not stable and can't take care of himself. I can't imagine myself like that, being the sole responsible adult in my family. Mainly i just want my parents to be alive and healthy for the next 50 yrs at least, when it comes to them i'm not the least logical.

A little miracle

2004-12-01T18:16:00.000+08:00

Hey!!! A little miracle to share here!

My laptop "dieded" a few months ago, sent it to IBM, warranty was over, they said motherboard spoiled, needs >$1800 to repair. The quotation was riddiculous, so din, left the machine there for a long time, was quite sad, partly because it was on nus loan, haven't even paid finished the loan spoiled, but also, a large part, it was sentimental value. The laptop accompanied me thru my nus years, it was one of my favorite and most faithful "servant". I used it to write my first essay, when I could hardly believe i could write a 2000 word essay, I wrote my very last essay on it, and sat there in the wee hours of the morning and cried and thanked God when i finish (not for the essay, but for all His faithfulness thru the yrs)

My lappie contained all the emails, files, songs... everything i collected for yrs, it's like a part of my brain, where i keep my memories, I was really xing tong.

To cut a long story short, i went to collect it just now, came back, and just pressed the 'on' button just in case... and it came on! Worked everything ok. It's win98 and everything, all ancient, but i love it! it's more beautiful than a brand new one! i have no idea wat happened, but i thank God anyway!

So now i'm the prodigal laptop owner, cos my lappie was dead but it is now alive. :> so can come celebrate with me. :> yay.

Hard times

2004-11-22T18:01:00.000+08:00

Always felt, and told Choi, that God gave her a difficult situation (i.e. a difficult cell) 'cause she is able to take it. Now my cell comes up with all sorts of problems too, and I do not feel capable at all. Now I know how it feels to keep chasing someone who seems to be trying to avoid you, how it feels to see someone with so much potential let everything down the drain, and it hurts you, and you can't do anything about it, 'cause it's not your decision to make.

I feel a bit like I'm back to Secondary School. I'm in an extremely non-Christian environment in school and at home, all day, everyday. The difference is last time I was younger.

Leaving the broad path

2004-11-22T17:42:00.000+08:00

I've got many things to write, dunno where to begin.

Nicole is going to NIE next January. It's the first time I realised how all those people who stayed back a year, in JC or uni or whatever, how it felt to be them. Compared to people who went immediately into teaching aft school, I'm 2 years late. When I go into NIE I'll be 2 years older than most of the pple, fresh out of sch. It feels kinda weird, but not as tho I mind. Just weird. I believe it's God's timing for me, wouldn't want to change even if I could. But still, it feels ... weird. I've always followed the S'pore system along the "straight and narrow" all my days, feels weird to be different, like dun belong to this broad category together with thousands of others, anymore. No more a certain fixed age means you are doing a particular thing.

to JY

2004-11-09T16:44:00.000+08:00

hello, dear... sorry i've not been around. i've been reading ur entries whenever i could, but really have neither energy nor time nor much mood to reply. dunno if u're ok at the moment so it doesn't really matter, or u haven't been.... sometimes i can't tell if u're ok or not, even from ur blogs... cos sometimes the trumatic sounding ones turn out to b just a moment of emotion, and the happy ones could b just a mask... so... r u ok?

my excuses... pc was down last week, no free periods, no time to buy call card so dun dare to call.. enough?

sorry for not replying abt my gram's medicine. Thanks so much for searching. It means something to me. She still haven't found it but they're still trying.

was a bit stressed this 2 weeks cos got my driving test, and had to cope with all the other commitments at the same time. Haven't actually been stressed abt an exam for a long time! prob not since uni yr 1... was really jittery... like trembling... so much so that i made all the mistakes anyone can make. There, u're the first person i told. Had it just today, few hrs ago.

now feel quite drained. lots to do, dun want to do any. will go and have a good rest and a good sleep, u have one too. :>

rain

2004-10-27T10:18:00.000+08:00

this is esp for JY to read, to tantalise her...

we're having this season now where it rains everytime just as u want to step out of a building. or u're running into shelter and the moment u step in, it suddenly becomes a storm... walking in the rain, feeling safe under the shelter of a huge umbrella, or snug in ur warm room with a nice comforter... listening to the rain outside, lying on ur bed reading a book... my idea of luxury...

2004-10-26T14:09:00.000+08:00

got a bit of time nothing to do now, so write a bit of my personal journey.

from time to time i get a bit stuck learning something, a bit like pple learn things by topic in sch, and i get stuck with one of the topics. The current topic is being matured versus being childlike.

I learnt how to b a child, I can attempt to be an adult, but i can't figure how I can be both at the same time.

Sigh, I know the content of wat i want to write, but tots not flowing... write later...

2 weeks

2004-10-26T10:21:00.000+08:00

Some updates for these few weeks.

2 weeks ago

Got more things to do in school, partly because the form teacher decided to let me take a few more lessons, partly cos nearly exams so a lot of revision to do. Somehow there was always something to keep me busy til late this week. Beginning to feel the stretch of having a job, and ministry, and friends, etc etc. Beginning to crave free time again cos haven't had much, partly i volunteered to do certain things lah, and they happen to happen together. One more thing, must meet up with my girls soon. Haven't been spending time with God, go home just sleep. It's amazing He's so faithful tho I'm so unfaithful!

Sat felt terrible. Din have time to prepare worship til Thu night, but was so tired fell asleep. Fri night had to stay up to do it, til late, but all messy, dun really noe wat I'm doing, not sure kind. And then Sat had to go sch at 7.30am for oral. Oral was quite fun, but later really really din feel up to leading worship. Complained and groaned to Huili, hope I din scare her. She volunteered to play guitar for me tho I could tell she was a little nervous to do it on the spot without practice. Still she did it, and it was good! Helped me to focus a lot. Din noe guitar take off so much focus before, maybe it's good i found out. Next time will ask Huili play again.

Last week

Feel going to fall sick. Have been trying hard to postpone it.

PSLE marking days, no one in sch. Supposed to go library to stocktake. Student helpers who were to come hardly did, and were not very hardworking. The books were heavy, but it was good that it was quiet. But the dust... In the end din finish as many books as the teacher in charge expected, she was disappointed. Because fell sick messed up all my schedule, in the end this week became really packed too. Think I'm getting more and more short-tempered. Must watch out. Had conflict with the quietest and noisiest pple in cell within one week! Some record. I discovered I always have conflicts with pple when I work with them, maybe it's just me.

Sunday was ...out. As in me out. Woke up late for SOL ... on purpose. But in the end it was a good break, really needed it. Like a sabbath. Really had time to just spend time with God. Not have to ask Him for a word cos need to share kind, or desperate dunno wat to do for something kind, just sat down and can be quiet before Him. Felt more alive. These few weeks had felt ... a little dried up like that, usually I love to sing, but this period ... jsut can't sing, can't think of any song to sing, dun feel like singing. Like they call no song in ur heart. But when I can really sit at His feet, then suddenly all the tunes came back. Spontaneously.

This week

Just began. Exam week quite eng2. But got lots of meetings to attend. Marking. Had terrible sleep last night, this terrible tune keep coming into my head, and I was too sleepy to object very violently. The dumb chanting tune that they always sing during assembly every monday. It's the worst thing of all. The whole afternoon like fighting like that. Once I stop praying the tune comes back. Then night the tune haunted me all night couldn't sleep properly, already not enough sleep already now worse. Brought my sis's CDplayer out, need to hear some positive tunes. Now everyday go sch, esp monday, must commit all my thoughts to the Lord, ask Him to guard my mind, every single thought. Ask Him to put like a filter, thoughts that honor Him then can come in, other thoughts all no entry. Talk abt whose voice r u hearing... bbrrr.... One of the christian teachers, she actually sings the tune with the rest, although she doesn't bow down with them. Well, I'm certainly never doing that. Ggrrhhh.....

Time for class.

my little facts

2004-10-19T15:30:00.000+08:00

Next week is 7th week of school! Can't wait for hols. If i live to b 100 i'll still love hols, and wait for them

Driving test next month! 9 Nov 1.55pm. It'll b a miracle if i pass, so pray for a miracle ok?

I think some pple are a little sorry for me cos i told them i'm not very needed in sch. But actually i'm quite glad, it gives me time to have more driving lessons and other things for this time period. And settle into my new routine, school, ministry, family, friends, etc. But then of course, i'm a lazy person, never will complain abt too much free time one. Next year when I get a class of my own then can start afresh. Will b tiring, but that's wat i asked for right?

first few weeks in sch had a lot of time, so resorted to going to music room to play the piano. nearly finished learning a new song: as the deer. but din noe which keys to press for Bm and F#, maybe some of the music pple can tell me. but now no time for such things already, loads to do.

had tot PSLE marking days if nothing to do i'll bring all my cards and start writing to pple. but sch came up with thousands of books for me to stocktake, and u woudn't belive the amount of dust there is. i have to go out once a while just to breathe. I dun really mind doing it if not for the dust tho, tho it's tiring. A good break from shouting students. Yes, shouting students, not shouting at students. But the dust is suffocating...

Today at home on MC, of course, would rather not b sick, but since already sick, dun mind MCs! Thank God it's not a sch day tho. The dust is going to choke me again tmrw, sigh.

Going to move sch! the other teachers are stressed but i think it's quite intersting, cos i dun have anything to b in charge of. dun mind a new office and toilets... and canteen... hope got better food... if i dun wake up early to make some kind of lunch box, i get no lunch, sometimes end up eating the mashmallows and sweets in my decorative bottle. It's supposed to be for decoration, tot wouldn't finsih the sweets for ages, but now one month then nearly finish, so sad.

when u're young u dun ever have to plan or tell urself to do things. pple tell u wat to do, and u do. u dun even have to think wat's coming next. And then u learn wat to do in a day, tho u still follow instructions, u have some idea wat's going on. and then u learn to structure ur own time, or eventually is made to learn, wat to do, when to work and play, u start to organise ur own life. when u can take charge of ur own life (more or less) u start taking charge of other pple's lives. now YOU tell other pple wat to do, and miraclously, they follow. u structure time and activity not just for urself, but for others, and they seem to have no objection. or if they do, u have to make them do it anyway. i think i'm mpore used to being an adult now, maybe cos i'm with kids, and the drastic difference show...

sigh, time pass so fast when u're at home. must go rest a bit, long day tmrw, got something for exam blessing must finish today.

2004-09-13T03:03:00.000+08:00

A few news since not G12 meeting for next 2 weeks...

I'm posted to Mee Toh School. It's this really buddhist sch, my dad found it very funny, keep making weird comments, think he's just trying to be rude about Christians as usual. But i felt better when i found out it's a chinese school. (as in 华校) I believe in chinese schools. In chinese encounter alone, i have 2 other seniors serving there who were from my very chinese and confucius-nistic sec school :>

Sorry for so many words below. Dun think I'll have much time to write from tmrw onwards, so treat is as my share of blog space for the next months k? :>

Some general things I learnt recently but not during encounter.

i learnt why fangs is always so jumpy abt BGR issues. Well, either it's natural, or she passed it to me. think i can jump quite high too. learnt just a little bit of how God felt last time when He said to me, when i din do something that i know He wants me to do, and keep worrying He'll scold me, "I'm not angry with you. I love you. I want the best for you." That's what God showed me He felt abt one of my girls. And then I know. I din want to scold her, i just want the best for her, i dun want her to miss out the best: following Christ. My dad always say things like (when he's scolding me) "when you have your own kids you'll know how i feel". I always absolutely refused to believe him. I still refuse to admit that I do. :>

I learnt something about parenting in general (not just spiritual parenting). Children become a kind of extention of your life, it's like your life spreads over a large space. My mom does it very naturally, anything, first thing she'll consider all the members of the family. Fangs does it very naturally too, though once or twice she forgets she's a grandparent (see, so old) and got to think even further and wider... It's kind of tiring but i guess it's a kind of natural phase in life, like "development over the lifespan" like.

Yah, and i noticed just before each transition in my life, i get to go to an encounter! Very accurate one. First was before transiting to G12 to fangs-gals. Then was transition into serving PRC. Then was transition into working life. Now is transition into teaching. haha... God's way of planning very interesting... and so caring! He knows i need preparing...

Any of you got "pattern" too? (Not the rongfang, i know your pattern kind. :>)

Chinese Encounter

2004-09-13T01:05:00.000+08:00

Just came back from chinese encounter, wanted to write this up just now, but went to sleep. Shouldn't be here now, work tomorrow...

I've got a list of thanksgiving as long as my arm, so bear with me a little while k?

The little things

I got this luxury suite the first night, only 2 persons in a room WITH aircon AND an attached bathroom... Camp where got so good one? Though I had to sleep with this girl I din noe (Shaoqi, still dunno her, haha)I sleep very well, at least 5 hrs, which is very good already, i usually sleep abt 3 hrs even for cell retreat.

i found this vege thing that's actually quite nice. It's this tube shaped bean thing, if you cook it soft enough taste like potatoes. i ate 6 pieces, which is a lot for me :> Somehow when the PRCs tell me to eat vege it works better than you all... dunno why but it works lah. My dad would work the worst. If he told me to eat i'll never eat.

The Big Things

I survived an encounter as a guide with fangs hardly there! Maybe should print my own Tshirt with this logo. :> I was really scared, like Ps HG say he wants guides with 'quality' for this encounter, i dun think i have any... and then all the guides for this encounter are either the leader leaders, shufang's 12 and everything, or they're PRC (and i can't even pray in chinese) or both. And then i'm really bad at ministering, super scared of praying for pple, and well, encounter, basically u pray for pple "whole day whole life" And then after that when you're all tired, you still have to get everyone to share. It's like keep having impromptu cellgrp, on the spot you must share and affirm and encourage and facilitate, blah blah, and cannnot prepare in advance. Fangs can, i... like want to die like that. now i know her job is hard.

Usually when it comes to those sessions where pastor puts this very fragrant olive oil in your hand (i really like the smell!) and you're supposed to go and anoint pple kind, i always siam. Imagine me anointing other people!!!!! Weird, impossible... i feel like this kid pretending to be an adult by wearing adult clothes... But this time couldn't siam mah, fangs not there (so i can't just follow behind her back) and got pple waiting for me... fangs will say it's really good for me. and i did really want to learn.

i dun think i did well or anything, i still think i'm the youngest, most inexperienced, blur-dun-even-noe-how-to-minister guide, but i dun think God expects me to do well you see, at last not at this stage. i think He just expects me to stand up and not go hiding in my little corner.

Partly i wanted to go for this encounter cos i want God to show me something. From the moment it was announced i wanted to go already, but din dare to mention a word to fangs, intimidated mah. Ps HG asked me a very well phrased qtn, fangs just told me i'm going (not her fault), but he actually call and said "Chinese encounter 你要不要做 guide?" (exact words) Very good qtn, so it happens, if you ask me "can you go" i prob start naming all my fears. But the qtn 要不要, oh yes, yes, i do... so i just blur blur go "要, 要..." ( i just woke up when he called) that's how i got on the "贼船"

sorry for all the chinese words, i've been hearing it for 48 hrs...

I din noe wat on earth i wanted God to show me at all, just felt there is something. Still dun understand most of it, like pieces of a puzzle not yet put together, i process very slow one. The first night first session we had worship, when all the voices start, all these really chinese voices singing this chinese worship song with such gusto to God, i was just standing there like, wow... i've been to chinese service, when all the old ladies and aunties sang, that was beautiful too in a different way, but this is different. And then God told me not to just stand there and watch, or worship with them, but worship as one of them. I knew i was in the right place, it was cool... Isn't God awesome?

This part is specially delicated to adeline, shar, grace, karen and all the music learners who tell us to clap on the right beat (the 2nd beat right?) Well, the whole encounter, they almost always clap on the "wrong beat". At first i tried to clap the right one like you all taught me, but then i realised that's the way they always clap, maybe their gungho revolution songs so they used to it, so i tried to follow their beat and i realise, it's different, but in a strange way, it's correct for them, and when i'm with them, i'll follow their beat. it actually makes a difference, it helps me understand them better. Maybe that's wat they call "following a different heart beat" Dun worry, i'm not saying you should clap like that also, or that next time cellgrp i'll purposely clap like that, and i'm sure GB and kidz have their own special beats. :>

ok, after the beats section... i'm sure all of us have had dreams, or heard pple's dreams, last time in sch, of pple dreaming one day students will come together publically to worship God in the hall of particular JC, or NUS forum or where, Ps Chan shared his dream with us. To see thousands upon thousands of Christians gather to worship the Lord in 天安门广场 (Tiananmen square)legally... wow... well if... ok, must say when it happens i'll certainly buy an air ticket to go there. Want to go? :>

I think one thing we Singaporeans can really learn from PRC. When they talk about bringing China to Christ everyone of them, even the few weeks old few months old Christians, can all really wept for China one, all the passion come out, how many of us in Singapore do that? Haha, but sorry lah, i also cried for China never cry so hard for Singapore... hee.. but I'll always be a S'pore citizen :>

It's really this privilege being there, it was stressful yah (felt like my guide tag was hanging around my neck choking me) but always a privilege. You can just see all these people rising up to preach God's word in the future, and you feel it such a privilege just to be there, to listen, to watch God's work, such a privilege to serve them. I can just see Rongfang, Guixiang they all... shared with them wat fangs shared with us last time, that the PRC nurses will not just receive, but bring the gospel back to their homeland. And whenever i say God has a special heart for China Rongfang will jump up and down and keep saying "amen, amen", can you imagine her doing that? :>

(haha, after the the wonderful sounding things fangs just msged to "scold" me, i haven't called some pple i should have called... sigh, harsh side of reality...)

Ps Chan was teaching some and before one of the sessions, he just walked right up to one of my girls (he doesn't know her) she's having this struggle, and he just started sharing his own experience in this issue, and then all the wisdom come pouring out until pple start gathering around to listen. My girl was really surprised and touched.

And i learnt from him this thing. People sometimes say they do certain things because they want to prove wrong the people who say they can't, or they want to prove to themselves that they can, kind. I did it before, myself. And i never figured whether that's right or wrong kind. What Ps C said was if you tried to do things for those reasons, and if you failed, you just feel more inferior. in the case if you do succeed you might become a proud person cos you've managed to prove something. And then you'll always have to prove yourself because of your pride, else (or if you failed to) you'll fall back into inferiority feelings. Makes sense?

i found a new 偶像! dun worry, it means good example to follow. :> i can't teach for nuts but i want to learn (whether sch or ministry), but the pple u usually see are the male pastors jumping all over the stage, and seriously lah, i think it would be gross if a lady did exactly wat they did. i dun think i can totally learn fang's style (serene calls her fang ma, nice name) either, she got this really flexible voice... Ps Chan's wife came to teach, she spoke quietly but in this very 亲切 way that really spoke to pple's hearts.

One of my girls, she's having some issue for a really long time (those who know, yes, that's the one, but pls dun tell around) until she like cannot connect to God or the cell like that. I was really worried cos if like that cannot even fight, like she surrender to the problem already like that. When i saw her really worshiping God again I was so happy! I know she's still struggling but at least now can fight, and on this side is the Holy Spirit! and like immediately the next day she reverted back to how she used to talk before this problem, share enthusiastically kind, i take that as a good sign. So happy, thank God.

Oh yah, at first she wanted to come late and go early, in the end she volunteered to stay to the end without my saying a word. :>

This other girl, i ask her everything also she say dunno, do you believe, dunno... do you want to know God, dunno... wat do you want, dunno... until i also dunno wat to do with her. Later she actually raise her hand to receive Christ. I think it's a step for someone so unsure of everything to actually make such a decision. She's still blur blur (imagine WEIQING saying other pple blur...) but if she can follow thru on her decision i know God is going to do great things in her life. :>

Another girl, i feel she usually shares only good things, like the truimphs in her life, but not the struggles, except the already overcomed ones, maybe this asian culture thing, but during the encounter she actually shared this really hard to share thing, and opened the way for the whole group to share openly about sexuality (the hardest parts)

Actually i wrote all these down for myself to remember, feel my head a bit full, can burst. But also hope to encourage you all. I know everything is very PRC-ly, but well, God works in strange ways. :> You've read so far! Congrats! You deserve a PHD for patience in reading ... but i can't give it to you ... :>

growing pains

2004-09-02T01:43:00.000+08:00

I think I've got a bad habit of living in the future, fearing the things that are going to happen even before they do. When actually when they do happen not so scary one.

I'm real scared of growing up. Which is weird cause people have mostly treated me like I'm more or less adult more at least a couple of years. But I'm still scared.

A lot of the things happening around me, not so much to me, but to the people around me... or happen to me also...well, they're good things, but they make me feel ... so responsible.

I like my current tune a lot, it puts me in a contemplative mood, very suitable for write journals and thinking things over. :>

I feel like, since my parents are growing older, I ought to start to gradually take care of them rather than them taking care of me. On the family side, one of the most important things I want to see in my life is my family coming to know Christ. And I feel I got to ... be a good testimony or something, which I am not.

I know my parents actually never really REALLY heard the Gospel. They shut their minds to people as soon as they get started. I feel like I'm the one person they wun totally shut their minds to, cos I'm their daughter, and anyhow they do want to know what's happening in my life. They're the people I love most, yet when I come home so tired, after spending so much time and effort on others, I find I don't have anything to give them anymore, I just want to shut myself in my room and be quiet. They're the people I care about most.

My sis said this strange thing about believing in Jesus. If I know her well enough she's talking about believing Jesus exists. I desperately want to ask her a million questions, tell her a millions things. At least find out what she really means. It's very impt to me. But I don't dare. I'm scared. Partly I'm scared of being too eager, and chasing her away, but I'm also, well, just scared. Maybe it's just too impt. I wish I could just pray that her Christian friends would bring her to Christ, she seems to have a large number. But how could I not do anything?

On the ministry side, everyone would envy me, I think. Some blur girl who knows nothing, God would bless with so much fruit. And it's not even like I did what. But I feel very responsible. Not just for my own cell, for the cluster open cell. Which is why I'm always bugging people about this and that, all the boring details. I think, I really think they are a bit sick of it, but what can I do? If I dun do it, who will? I certainly dun mind. As in dun mind other people doing it for me. I feel responsible for each of my gals, to know what's happening in each person's life and at least be there for them, even if I can't really help them. I feel responsible for creating an environment in open cell where new people would feel comfortable. I feel responsible to help Huili and the rest to learn to lead cell, help them with their girls. I feel responsible for all those names on the consolidation list under my name, although I really don't know what to do with them, I dun even really know them as people. I feel responsible for those who have left church, I know I should have taken better care of them. I feel responsible for all the people I didn't follow up from last year, they might not have received Christ, but they were very open to me. I dun want them to feel I stopped being their friend because they weren't Christians. That's not even counting my outreach group this year. I would want to, well, just give up, let them be. Dun even care whatever fangsiang or ps hee guan or whoever thinks what anymore. But I can't. If I did I feel like I've let God down because I never even really tried. But I really dunno how to start trying now.

Already I'm doing a lot of planning. For the next prc event, for next year. I bet you all those other people never thought about it at all yet. They dun even realise Mid Autumn is soon. That's why I have to worry, that's why I feel so responsible. Because if I dun do it, well, it just isn't going to get done, and someone's got to do it! I think I'm a Martha. Sometimes I think Huili is a Mary.

Even these couple of months I'm not working, I've never been really really free. Maybe that's the kind of rest I wanted. Not just no job, but no need to worry about anyone, anything for at least a couple of days. Now, I just spend lots of time thinking about other people's lives, or worrying about my own future.

I want to be a good teacher. I guess this time is better than last year. At least I've got some ideas what I want to do, some goals. I think that will help. But I'm worried too. All these people that I want to do something for. There must be a hundred of them, I should do a head count. But I don't just want to spend one minute with each of them, I want to really be in their lives. How on earth am I supposed to be in the lives of so many people?

Oh, I know, I'm not God, I dun want to be God. It's just all these things lying in front of me. You mean I can't dun do them meh? How? Can I say I have too much to do? Then what? Ignore my parents? Dun go for my own cell meeting which I'm supposed to lead? Pretend my girls are not having problems? Refuse to get up to go to school to teach next time? What? Cannot? So how? Do lah. So how? Then have to do become doing too much, cannot cope, shouldn't get too busy, etc. Then how? Do also cannot, dun do also cannot, what do I do????

I feel like my own life is getting beyond me. I only know, now, these 2 weeks I do as much as I can the things before starting school, so when school starts dun have to worry about those. How to cope when school starts? No idea. If God doesn't bail me out I'll just drown. I dun have a choice. I dun want to go back to letting quantity take over quality, but I dun see how.

Nowadays people seem to think I can do a lot of things. They seem to really think I know how to be encounter guide. Can't believe them. I have no idea at all. Dunno what on earth I'm going to do when I get there.

I ought not to complain. I'm having the best of almost all worlds. All the worlds that really matter to me. I'm not saying I wun do it. I want to do it. All those things, I want to do one. I want to serve God. I thank Him for how everything worked out. Everything has worked out beautifully. I just go have a good cry before each of the things I have to do that I'm scared of, standard procedure. I hope I'll still have the time to cry next time. And then I tell Him I can't do it. And then I ask Him for strength and tell Him I trust Him to do it. And then I tell Him how scared I am and that I can't do it, all over again. And then I get up and do it. At most I do lousy and feel stupid. I suppose it won't kill me.

I love my God. I love my family, my ministry, I love the people God has given me. I love the plans He has for me, I want to do the things He's making me do. I ought to be very happy indeed but I only know how to cry.

I'm just having growing pains.

I Will Follow Him

2004-09-02T01:22:00.000+08:00

Artist: Little Peggy March
Peak: #1 Lyrics by: J. Plant, J. Stole, D. Roma, A. Altman, N. Gimbel
Year: 1963

Love him, I love him, I love him
And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow

I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go
There isn't an ocean too deep
A mountain so high it can keep me away

I must follow him, ever since he touched my hand I knew
That near him I always must be.....
And nothing can keep him from me
He is my destiny.....

I love him, I love him, I love him
And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow
He'll always be my true love, my true love, my true love
From now until forever, forever, forever.....

I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go
There isn't an ocean too deep....
A mountain so high it can keep, keep me away
Away from my love.

I love him, I love him, I love him
And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow
He'll always be my true love, my true love, my true love
From now until forever, forever, forever

I will follow him, follow him wherever he may go
There isn't an ocean too deep
A mountain so high it can keep, keep me away
Away from my love...

Do-do do-do-do do-do-do and where he goes
I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow
I know I'll always love him

Prophecies . . .

2004-08-07T00:47:00.000+08:00

Ok, better write some concrete reality things. Got my teaching post letter today. Good that now I have a framework to work with on how much free time I still have, will help. Happy and scared. Guess I just want people to be happy for me, and not say they already knew. I already knew too, but I'm happy to get the news anyway. I already knew too, and that's what's scary. Like if you were given a set of scary prophecies and the first one came true...

It looks kinda unreal, esp the letter in my hand and the briefing next week, like it can't be happening. Like one of those times I get a great idea at night and is all excited to start carrying it out the next day, and then the next day the idea looks ...so strange, like how could I have such an idea at all.

Maybe I'm in denial. It's got a "you mean it's real?" feeling to it. But then I chose it not because I want it, but because I chose it.

Memories

2004-08-06T22:51:00.000+08:00

Some more pieces of paper . . . I know they're boring to other people, but they're kinda precious to me, like part of my past. And they have a special meaning people wun understand. Like these boring, sermon-like things are the lessons I learnt from books and all over the place when I couldn't go to church, but somehow, the Lord still always makes sure I learned. I'm preserving them here so I can thrown the yellowed hard copies.

The following are actually from a book I found in the library, in 1995 I think. Kind of summary of some chapters of that book, Everyday Evangelism, I think. I liked it a lot then. Well, if anyone wants to sue me for plagarism pls just let me know, I'll delete the whole thing. And forgive an innocent 14-year-old who never heard the word 'plagarism'...

You'll notice a lot of very obvious spelling errors, they're as per original, din noe my spelling was that bad at 14 ... Found out how to put in a midi! Think I'm making this whole thing like a webpage...

Sharing

the act of two who receive and give
be open to learning new things about others and about yourself
try new things together
do things you both enjoy (common interest)
Do things together. Go places together
The most important part if the communication of your faith in Jesus Christ (introduction)

Evangelizing

more than giving an impression of Jesus to others
inviting others to put their trust in him

Difficulties

people are not “good with words and fear saying it wrong
an intentional caring act (done without words of explanation, as be view simply as thoughtfulness
most church people have a “theological vocabulary” that is largely unknown to the outside world

tools

lead people from the known to the unknown
tell God’s story to each person in her own language.
Discover some of the key words in the language of your friends and use these words to tell God’s storey
Tell storys connected to the person’s interest

Ask those person if they would be willing to trust in a God who relates to their needs and interests, who created them they way they are, and whose only Son came to earth to bring their salvation

Character	Action
Great difficulty speaking about themselves	Make personal statements by talking about the problems of others
Feel weak and inferior	Try to appear strong and speak with deliberation and firmness
Frightened	Appear very aggressive and controlled

If you listen carefully, you will hear their questions and begin to understand their needs.
Then we can refer to those questions in talking about faith.

NEEDS

SECURITY

: concerned about having adequate food, clothing, shelter and money for themselves and their family
: personal safety from danger
: shy away from taking risks
: hesitant to try new things
: slow to trust someone else
: slow to accept what they consider to be new ideas
: (desire material things)
: (always doing new things)

A friend they can count on
A friend who can guide them into the knowledge of a God they can count on

AFFECTION

: desire to be included in a group
: need to feel they belong
: need to be loved
: even try to force friendships
: act out of fear and loneliness
: (always doing things to please others)

To be invited to a group of caring people
Learn of a God who cares for them and who has even prepared a place for them

ESTEEM

: wants to be seen as significant
: need to be recognized for specific reasons
: to be treated by others as respect
: to have their opinions considered
: (desire material things)
: (always doing things to please others)

Need to be encouraged to become involved in service
See service as a response to the Servant

GROWTH

: desire to be stretched
: experience new things
: likes challenges
: long to expand their horizons, improve themselves or gain deeper understanding of their lifes
: want to be all they were meant to be and live on “the growing” edge
: to be challenged with opportunities through which they will learn
: (always doing new things)

Friendship from the “movers and thinkers” of the faith, people who will show them that faith is life’s greatest challenge

BUILDING

1. Make friendships a priority

Require time
Priority over other activities

2. Accept others

Accept people without necessarily condoning what they may do or how they may act
Deal with what kept them from becoming all that God intended them to be
See people in terms of their potential
See her as a person of worth
Accept people as God accepts them

Our acceptance becomes a living example of God’s acceptance. They will come to understabd abd experience the acceptance of God as we live it out with them

3. Listen actively

Requires conscious effort
Move beyond words to “hear” the nonverbal clues given by a person
In tone of voice, facial expressions and the chioce and order of words
Hear what is really being said
Determind our friends’ background and needs
By stories of daily experiences which reveal their spiritual quests
Every tory hides a truth, question, etc
(Most people are unaware of all they are sharing as they narrate their everyday stories
discover how to introduce God to that person at her point of interest and need
Your friends’ words and ways tell you a lot about her

4. Listening helps you to discover the religious convictions of your friend.

People give clues to their beliefs in speech and behaviour
These clues must be matched up to the part of God’s story that will be good news for the seeker
Ask yourself how you can relate God’s love to the person in the most natural and direct way
Determine whether your friend need your companionship, your actions or your words
Determind which words are the most important and meaningful at that moment
Keep confidence with your friends
As you listen carefully, you learn much about others
Refrain from relating what you know to anyone

If you break confidence. Your credibility as a friend and witness will be lowered.

If your friend can't trust you. Christ's representative, how can she trust Christ?

Listening draws you silently into the lines of others. Sharing draws you silently into the lives of others

Differences in personalities and experiences relate better to some people than others (similar problems)

Listen carefully to hear questions being asked. Refer to those questions by talking about faith

Thanksgiving in 2000

2004-08-06T00:56:00.000+08:00

This is a thanksgiving prayer I found, written at the end of 2000...

Abba,

Thank You for my job, for planning a special ‘immersion program all for me. For the two stages You prepared thru Ps Edwin beforehand. For showing me who worship You just as I do, for showing me I wasn’t strange.

Thank You, Lord, for letting me live among people who love You so passionately, so wholeheartedly, people who center of their lives is You. And yet for showing me their humanness, their realness, that they have faults though many strengths. And thank You, Lord, for showing people who are matured and confident enough to behave like children, who are not too old to play games, have fun and laugh heartily, who treasure childlikeness more than ‘face’.

Father, I thank You for Your promise that You will teach me, for fulfilling that promise so abundantly I couldn’t begin to count my blessings, though I’m trying to now. I thank You for changing my attitude, giving me a good attitude I never had, one that says, of all kinds of things to be tried, to be learned, thing I don’t know or have never seen before, even things I was afraid of & afraid to learn, all kinds of new things in new worlds, simply this: “I can learn” Father, You said You would teach me, so I just assumed I could learn anything.

Father, I thank You for Lijun & Qingyu. For giving me friends at the moment when I was in a strange place & had none. For the nicest horrible instant noodles they cooked me, with bitter vege in it. I ate it with tears in my eyes. & I ate all the vege . . . most. & for my colleages who prefer to use their idling time to sing to You than gossip.

Father, I thank You for showing me that it isn’t true I couldn’t live with You people & love them. For giving me Lijun, Qingyu, Vivien, later Wanting, still later Louis, Angie, Delci, and then Anqi, Xiangyu, Zhaoyan & so many, many more. Even Doris, Ps Yee Theng, Ps Debra, Ps Edwin, Linda, Siew Ping, Ps Asher, Ps Roland, Ps David, Ps Hee Guan, Ps Cheong How, Joy, Sharon, Wynne, Maisie, Pamela, Xiuxin, Fang Xiang, Grace, Crystal . . . Father, I can’t name them all. You know.

More scraps

2004-08-05T23:47:00.000+08:00

More scraps from the past. I realised I don't agree with some of the things I wrote now. Not the big things, just the details here and there.

Sometimes love means ...

Being willing, even eager, to give up all your other chances, close down any alternative options to choose the one you love.

Commitment, more than fun. Being exciting and wonderful may make people in 'love' with you, but in the end, you don’t love anybody for being exciting or fun, though you like the good times you have together. You love people who cares what happens to you, who shares tears as well as laughter with you. In the end the times you really treasure may be when you cried together.

...about God's glory being 1st and His love for us a 2nd.

... passion. A passion for God. To say 'Lord, I want to fallen love with you. '

... faith. If you believe, and only if you believe the vision God has given you, will you work towards the goal

... obedience. The difference between fear and unwillingness. You can fear, and yet obey. If you fear, and are unwilling to obey, it can only be called this – disobedience

If you lack passion, ask the Lord for passion. If you lack faith, ask the Lord for it. Go to Him in willingness.

If you love Me, keep My commandments.

Lord, teach me. Teach me to do that. I want to. I want to . . . Obey You, Lord, and go with you. No matter where. I promised You, Lord Father, that I’ll march till I collapse . . . I am sure, Father. Oh Father, Lord you know I have to. All of us live on Your love. And Father, send us a revival, just like You said. Lord, You said You’d deliver us. Must I tell them?

Father, when I can’t please can. Please can for me.

John
1
v. 10 -13 God’s heart: wanting His people to know, recognise and receive Him

v.15 – 34 Points to Jesus
John always puts the focus on Jesus, never on himself. He only explains himself as sent to testify for Jesus. (3:30) “He must become greater; I must become less.”

v. 27 sandals

2
Water to Wine (v.1 – 11)
- He cares about our practical, even mundane needs
- He always gives us the best, even in little things, not just ‘good enough’
- He changes His schedule for those He loves?

Clears Temple
- Jesus insists on a ‘clean’ temple
o There were a lot of other injustices then also. Jesus taught about a lot of them (adultery, Samaritans, etc), but only in this case He 发火。
o We are called temples of the living God, so . . .

Scraps

2004-07-29T01:21:00.000+08:00

A few scraps of paper found in my drawers, all yellow

2000
Father, I thank You for showing me that you have accomplished what You said You will in Delia, for bringing me out of my way to see it, in ways so subtle I wouldn’t deny them, so beautifully u can’t help saying, yes, Lord, You have made all things well. Yes, Lord, and for showing me all these, that I may know Your ways better. For showing me that you do what You say, that nothing is impossible with You, that Your plans are always fulfilled in Your time.

Year of God’s favour
↓
God wants to pour out His favour on His people
↓
He wants them to surrender their lives to Him so He can show His favour in their lives.
↓
He wants 100% of their lives, and not a micro-milli bit less
↓
John 12:24
“Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.”
↓
We needn’t be too worried about our inability to fight the battle because the Lord will fight for us.
↓
The battle belongs to the Lord
↓
What the Lord has given us is not anything uncertain, like an effort to try, or any experiment
↓
What He gives us is a very certain victory He has already won for us when He died for us on the cross.
↓
So what we have to do is claim the victory He won for us!
↓
All He wants from us is a willing heart
↓
Girl, trust Him ok. He will take you through.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

God’s Grace
Justice	Mercy
What the world wants ↓ A system in which the “best” (eg. Kindest, most unselfish) people get to heaven ↓ Similar to an education system (any meritocracy) system, where people who get the best ‘results’ or performance - gets promoted - gets into university (system of elimination) ↓ For people, it will be like a system in which people who do the most good deeds (as oppose to highest marks) get to heaven ↓ From a human point of view, things aren’t so bad, but from God’s point of view . . . ↓ Imagine a god who works on a system of elimination, who “sells salvation the the highest bidders” ↓	. . . What God gave us ↓ Imagine a school system . . . not of elimination. But where everybody who wants to study gets to. ↓ Something like, you get terrible grades for your ‘A’s. Your still get to go to U. ↓ What you have to do is this: you have to admit that your grades just aren’t good enough. You ask for them to admit you into the school anyway. You ask for mercy, not justice. ↓ Sounds easy? Most of all (all of us) will do that in a split second if we do get terrible grades, if we could. But . . . ↓ How many of you are willing to admit that you are a sinner, that you don’t make His grade, but ask him to admit you anyway? That’s asking, not for justice, but for mercy. ↓ Just like the school system anyone can join. No criteria, nothing. Just say you want to join it. ↓ That’s what God wants. ↓
↓ “Only a puny god can be bought with tithes. Only a temperamental god could be satisfied by sacrifices. Only an egotistical good would be impressed with our pain. Only a heartless god would sell salvation to the highest bidders . . . And only a great God does for his children what they can’t do for themselves.” ↓ ∞

Many people are sick of a world that judges them for every single thing they do. Sick of a system in which you might fight tooth and nail every moment of your life. Where you would be kicked out if you aren’t careful for just a split second.

Everybody wants unconditional love, love you don’t have to fight for. That you don’t try to get; you receive. Even those who will never admit it. Even in the most seemingly self-sufficient people. You know otherwise. After all, God made them! They call it a “God-shaped” hole in their lives, that only he can fill.

Even the ‘best’ people fail in some aspect or another in their lives. And they have been either judged by the world for that failure, or they judged themselves. People do want rest. God knows.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Dumb

2004-07-29T00:07:00.000+08:00

I just ate my "lunch", and washed all these dishes, was just taking a break reading this blog, and my mom came home. First thing she had to do, start walking through the whole house listing every single thing I haven't kept, washed, tidied, etc. Now I really really don't feel like doing all those things she named. Feel like just sitting here watching this screen and just let her fume as long as she like.

Childish? I know. But why must she do this? I woke up this afternoon thinking I'll do some housework for her so she doesn't have to do it when she comes home.

I'm being stupid, I noe. I should just go do all those things and housework this moment. Not that she'll say anything except give me that I-told-you-so-I-knew-I'll-win look. Do I love my mom? Oh yes, I love her lots.

I'm so childish.

Memories

2004-07-15T14:28:00.000+08:00

I was clearing my room and found some pieces of paper. Here's one I think written at the end of JC1.

What I regret:

Taking my family for granted
Be too "busy" to spend time with God
Being stupid enough to become obsessed with . . . somebody
Never study
Letting my life become so noisy I forgot to be quiet
Actually forgetting to love the people around me 'cause I'm too busy having fun
Mixing up all my priorities
Didn't managed to do most of the things I was supposed to do

What is wrong with everything:

I always take the Lord for granted
Always take people who love me for granted
End of the year coming and the 'thing' scheduled to happen hasn't because of me
I look like shit
I don't have time for everything but I don't want to disappoint anybody. End up I neglect some things and didn't do well in anything. And I'm not even sure I wanted to do those things in the first place
I'm really tired. I need a break. I need time to . . . just be quiet. To think. So I don't "lose it"
Sometimes I forget why I'm doing what I'm doing
Sometimes when I lose sight of my goals, I lose sight of my way as well
Sometimes, I do wonder a bit whether things will work out after all. Though I do now they will. But just sometimes, they just don't look very possible. And . . . sometimes I just feel too tired to make them happen. Or even try to make them happen.
I hope everythin works out.

If only . . .

My family comes to know the Lord
I can pray with people and . . . everything that should happen happens in good time.
Yvonne and Suying . . . see that they see. And know that they see, and all that.
Elly, Belinda and Danica grow "tall and strong". I think Danica can lah.
Me learnt to "love and pray"
I don't look like shit anymore
I get good enought 'A' level grades, go U, than next, next and next, . . .
Somebody will . . . go out with me, and all that and all that . . .
I won't ever say "I forgot", "I don't dare", "I can't", and all that anymore.

Have to say was surprised to read this . . . . Well, things haven't changed that much since then right? Most of the things haven't changed that much. Maybe it means I haven't changed that much?

Scary

2004-07-07T13:48:00.000+08:00

Things seemed to have happened pretty fast recently. "My plan" seemed to have been working out itself, very fine. Too fine for my comfort. Way too fine.

I took my driving advanced test, i passed it. I know that's just Step 1 Section(i) part (a), but it says to me something. I got my MOE interview less than 2 weeks after submission. A lot less than 2 weeks. More like 1 week 3 days. The interview was, if I would only admit it, a lot better than expected.

Scary. Scary. I'm scared it will happen, I'm scared it won't. I suppose in the short-run I'm scareder of it happening, in the long-run I'm scareder of it not happening. Because of the consequences.

Quotes

2004-07-07T13:00:00.000+08:00

Couple of nice quotes:

Turn your Goliath over to Jehovah, the giant killer. Explain to your powerful God how anxious you are for Him to win this victory for a change - not the giant, and not you.

JUST THINK you're here not by chance, but by God's choosing. HIS HAND FORMED YOU and made you the person you are. He compares you to no one else - YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND. YOU LACK NOTHING that His grace can't give you. He has allowed you to be here at this time in history TO FULFILL HIS SPECIAL PURPOSE for this generation.

phonecalls

2004-07-03T13:40:00.000+08:00

I realise when I get phone calls and I don't answer them because I dun feel like it at the moment, I'm losing my servanthood. I'm choosing when to serve and when not to serve. Lord. Please forgive me. Please teach me to be a servant. I want to be Your servant.

FEVER 04

2004-06-25T01:04:00.000+08:00

24/06/04 - 25/06/04

Din "hear" from the Lord in the "usual" way. Here are some of the pieces of the puzzle I got. Scared me to death. Yet, there are thing you know you couldn't not do. Not even if you had a choice and didn't want to do it. There are some things that are a package deal. One of them is following the Lord.

- - - - -

Red and yellow and pink and green
Purple and orange and blue
I can sing a rainbow
Sing a rainbow
Sing a rainbow too

I first heard this song on TV, a commercial advertising Australia. From what many people told me, it seems very nice to tour Australia. I was thinking one day, I would like to go there and see the colours of the rainbow, like in the song.

The next place I heard this song. It was sung by a group of children living in poverty, in a video of a mission trip. When I heard it I realised I don't think I can go to Australia to see the rainbow anymore. I need to go to a different place. To see a different kind of rainbow.

- - - - -

A few years ago when I was studying social work, people asked me what type of people I want to work with, and this is the answer I knew, but never dared to tell anyone 'cause it sounds so odd. And I didn't even know what I mean myself.
''Who do you want to work with?"
"The poor."

- - - - -

HUMANTARIAN MISSION WORK
"Why go rather than just give money?"
It's not about building houses. It's that personal touch that shows them the love of God in our lives.

- - - - -

I knew I was "under-training" since 16.
That was what I did it all for.
Was that what He did it all for? Is that why He did all He did in my life all these years? I think so. I think so.

- - - - -

I want to see God hidding amongst "the poor" again.

- - - - -

I feel a little ... or a lot ... like I've got my "ten-year plan". Do I dare to tell anyone about it? No I don't.

Having Holiday

2004-06-21T15:49:00.000+08:00

Have had 3 weeks of holidays! Actually haven't had such a holiday for ages and ages, every previous holiday was filled with temp work or attachments or camps, or something. Something.

I submitted my NIE application a few days ago! Ha ... actually it was an easy enough thing to do, just press the submit button, but it was a hard thing to do... well, so now at last waiting for replies.

Actually haven't been that free either. Have been going out nearly everyday, lots of things to do.

Have to say I enjoy having time to lavish on people, no need to keep thinking "I've got to do this and that, I've got to go home early, tomorrow need to wake up early, etc" Feels great! To be able to go out of my way to accompany so-and-so, spend hours playing some stupid chess game with my sis, really listen to people. It's not like I'm very free, lots to do, but kind of enjoyable, of course, also getting lots of sleep. :>

I wish someone would hire me to do this. I mean, these are important things right? Letting people feel listened to, spending time to show someone you care, doing things for other people. Maybe more important than all those paperwork people are doing whole day everyday and getting their pay for. But well, life doesn't work like that.

C.S Lewis had this idea perhaps heaven is where all the things that seemed so impt and takes up so much of our time on earth, (like paperwork) are actually the unimportant things, and the things people don't spend enough time on and the things that get squashed out of time schedules are the real important things people will spend all their time on. Like worship God and spend time with people.

The problem I have is, I haven't had a "Day with God" since I got off work, even aft I din have to go back to office anymore, and that's bad. It used to be after a particularly busy period, like exams, (during which I tend to skip QT...) I would take a day off as soon as possible after and just spend that day with the Lord, nobody to disturb me. But these few weeks I haven't done that though I did have quite a lot of time. I keep interrupting myself, and feel like I HAVE to so something. So will go and do whatever. Cannot stop doing things. Maybe it's a post-work hazard, doesn't know how to be free anymore.

To Be A Servant

2004-05-30T21:10:00.000+08:00

It’s not that I’m very hardworking, it’s the opposite! I think I must be His laziest daughter. It’s just, I don’t see why things should be dictated by circumstances, or what is happening, or me. They are not Lord, and I … well, I’m not the point. He is the point. He’s Lord. And I want it to be about Him. Lord, I really do. I know I’ve done badly. I . . . don’t know. But in the end I want life to be about You.

I have been thinking. For a long, long time. Or it seems long to me. I don’t want to go into teaching just like . . . aimlessly. I know I can’t survive like that. And I can’t make my own goals. There just aren’t any, don’t ask me why. I could set some goals I suppose. But they’re not appealing at all. I don’t want them. They’re like there, not even for the sake of being there. They’re nothing. Because they’re not real.

I need God to tell me . . . something. I don’t know what it is. But I know I will know it is when I hear it, or see it. Whatever, I will recognize IT. I can’t even apply, or confirm in my own mind I’ll be applying, until I get my IT. It’s just that simple. And that hard. I called it a “big picture”, for lack of a better name. Sometimes it’s that, but not always. It’s just . . . IT.

There was a time I felt I was losing my willingness. And my dreams. I felt as though I wasn’t me. I feel slightly like that still. Anyhow it’s scary. And I felt like all the bad names anyone could ever call someone. Because I had promised the Lord, my own will. I remember. Very clearly. I remember. I felt like a promise-breaker, and worse.

Yesterday was bad, very bad. At least in the daytime it was. I was going to scream. But I waited for everyone else to leave office before I cried. ‘cause I need that time with the Lord, very, very alone, before I reach church later. Or else I knew I wasn’t going to survive. Strange yah. Need to spend time with God to survive church.

It wasn’t anything happened. I was stressed with work, yes, but on it’s own, actually it’s no big deal lah. I din work that late. I was just kind of strained, somewhere inside. All the last 2 weeks. I was that kind of on-the-verge-of-tears all the time. That was partly why I cried that day with Sharmaine. I think I scared her, in a way. She didn’t know.

I don’t remember a lot of yesterday’s sermon, only this statement. Choosing to serve and choosing to be a servant is different. It’s something I kind of, understood. It was something I always thought of as a kind of common sense. It was something that I could see the difference in other people which kind of serving they were doing. It was something I didn’t know I had a problem with. Oh, I know I’m not that kind of super-willing person like Choi Ying. I have my stubborn streaks. I’m fine with them myself actually, haha. More or less.

If you asked me, I know my attitude now is different from say, one year ago. Or more specifically, something like three months ago. I don’t know why. Actually I do. I think it has something to do with my relationship with the Lord. Or rather, that’s the part I’m sure of. The other parts are the parts I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s certain ‘breaks’ I had sometime this year for a few weeks. Maybe I’m the kind of person breaks are not good for. Kind of slave-mentality person, mustn’t be allowed to take breaks. Maybe it’s having to attend three meetings and prepare two each week, that really gets to me. Maybe it’s my this year’s flat are quite off.

But do these things change my attitude? How could I let them, they’re just things! Just things. I mustn’t I mustn’t I mustn’t. But well, maybe they weren’t the factors in the first place.

There were times, times I felt I don’t know anything anymore. I asked myself, what do you know for sure. What is one thing you still know even if you don’t know anything else anymore? And I know. I know God is good. Even in the worse times, I think that is the only thing I will be able to say. God is good. He hasn’t changed. And through all those times even when I’m so terrible He’s still always good to me. He just never left.

I remember the time when I asked God why He put me where I am. He just said, to learn to be a servant. He didn’t say very much more, actually. A lot of times He says things I never thought He’ll say, but He just persistently doesn’t say about what I’m asking Him! And I just remembered. Those times all those goals, to share Christ with each person, to see them know the Lord, etc, are actually more like things I thought of. He never really said anything much about them explicitly. The only thing He said was, to learn to be a servant. Yesterday, I asked myself, am I a servant? Do I dare call myself a servant?

Huili said it would be good for me to take a break and get to spend more time with God. I disagreed with her, but didn’t know how to explain things to her then. Because I didn’t know how to put it myself. Well, now I know. I do want a break. In fact very, very much. I love breaks. It’s just, I don’t want my relationship with God to improve simply because I’m having a break and have time. Doesn’t that mean when I don’t have time the opposite happens? Besides, if circumstances dictate my relationship with my Lord, well, no way. Period.

I guess that was what I meant when I wrote yesterday night, on my palmtop on the way home. It’s not something I wrote because I will be able to do it. It’s something I’m sure I will not be able to do, I wasn’t in the past, was I? It’s just something that couldn’t not be. Because it is, that’s all. It’s just something that will be all the Lord. And that’s what I wanted, wasn’t it?

Somewhere along the way, I kind of . . . just kind of, found, kind of, my IT. I have learnt to be a servant (kind of . . . sounds strange to say it like that) when it was easy. When I had plenty of time to learn slowly. I needed that. But now I have to learn it when it’s harder. It can’t be when it’s easier, or I’ll just never learn. So I’m like asking for it, asking for trouble.

And I know it isn’t like very hard or something, it’s just Level 1.

So, announcing . . . well, that’s it.

It’s not what I would have thought of. I was thinking more along the lines of “target goals”. Like, “making a difference in the lives of children” or something. Well, what is important to Him is what He says, usual or not. His important is not other people’s important. I only know it’s IT, so that’s IT, it’s His IT, that’s what matters to me. I’m perfectly fine with it. :>

I don’t know how I’m going to tell my cellgroup about this blog after this, ‘Cause this is very up-to-date things, and I usually have a lot of problem telling people very up-to-date things. They’re still shaky, kind. And it’s not really confirmed, confirmed kind. I usually need some time to ‘consolidate’. It’s like future prophecies. The only way you know they’re true is when the time comes, it really happens. That’s all. Before that, you can never really say you know.

There’s one other part of this thing. I think God said to me He put a lot of childlike people (some were children) around me this past year before He wants me to learn to be a child. There was a time Fangxiang prayed for me, she said she saw a teddy bear!?! I was rolling my eyes, inside. It was only this time, I was very tired and can’t rest, I was sitting on this bedspread my mom bought, it had a lot of bears in pajamas running around, playing, etc, there was one that was sitting quietly, he looked like he was praying. I like the way he looks, he’s my favourite bear on that bedspread. And I told the Lord, Lord, I want to be like that bear. Childish? That’s me.

Plea

2004-05-29T21:32:00.000+08:00

Father, I don't want to only learn it later, when it will be easier. I want to learn it now, while it is difficult. Because I don't want it to be circumstances. I want it to be You. You have taught me when it was easy. Please also teach me when it is difficult. I want it to be You very much. From the bottom of my heart. Please do it, by Your power. I will not boast, I will boast of You. I remember, I always will. You promised to do for me what I cannot do for myself. Please do that now.

Anne of the Island

2004-05-26T21:42:00.000+08:00

There'll be love there - faithful, tender love, such as I'll never find anywhere else in the world - love that's waiting for me. That makes my picture a masterpiece, doesn't it, even if the colours are not very brilliant?
L.M. Montgomery

1 Corinthians 13 (Chinese)

2004-05-24T15:59:00.000+08:00

爱是恒久忍耐，: 又有恩慈。
爱是不嫉妒。: 爱是不自夸。; 不张狂。
不作害羞的事。: 不求自己的益处。; 不轻易发怒。; 不计算人的恶。
不喜欢不义。: 只喜欢真理。
凡事包容。: 凡事相信。; 凡事盼望。; 凡事忍耐。
爱是永不止息。

for Aunty

1 Corinthians 13

2004-05-24T15:50:00.000+08:00

Love is patient,: love is kind.
It does not envy,: it does not boast,; it is not proud.
It is not rude,: it is not self-seeking,; it is not easily angered,; it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil: but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,: always trusts,; always hopes,; always perseveres.
Love never fails.

for Sujeeta

Psalm 23

2004-05-24T15:40:00.000+08:00

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

for Gloria

Be thankful

2004-05-24T15:14:00.000+08:00

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a effort.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

for Mabel

Meanings

2004-05-24T15:03:00.000+08:00

Standing for what you believe in,
Regardless of the odds against you,
and the pressure that tears at your resistance, ... means courage.

Keeping a smile on your face,
When inside you feel like dying,
For the sake of supporting others, ... means strength.

Stopping at nothing,
And doing what's in your heart,
You know is right, ... means determination.

Doing more than is expected,
To make another's life a little more bearable,
Without uttering a single complaint, ... means compassion.

Helping a friend in need,
No matter the time or effort,
To the best of your ability, ... means loyalty.

Giving more than you have,
And expecting nothing,
But nothing in return, ... means selflessness.

Holding your head high,
And being the best you know you can be
When life seems to fall apart at your feet,
Facing each difficulty with the confidence
That time will bring you better tomorrows,

And never giving up, ... means confidence.

unknown author

for Ngee Mong